The Witness Nearly Drove Me Insane

FULL SPOILERS for The Witness below. If you haven't played it yet, I suggest you go check it out.

God damn, if I hear 'In the Hall of the Mountain King' one last time, I'm going to have an aneurysm.

I'm referring of course to the final challenge in Jonathan Blow's artsy-fartsy line-drawing puzzle behemoth, The Witness, in which after many tens of hours of careful, measured problem solving and cryptic realisations, Blow throws a curveball. Take all the puzzle mechanics we've become so accustomed to but switch things up - now there's a time limit, and the puzzles are randomly generated.

The Witness' challenge section is an immediately intimidating tonal shift for a game that for the most part encourages a thoughtful pace. Until this point, the player could have (if they had no shame) essentially brute forced the majority of the game's puzzles, or worse, just looked up a tutorial online. Doing so effectively removes the entire point of the game, but for a game this resolutely demanding it's sometimes hard to avoid that temptation

I especially feel for anyone who's colour blind:

(I'm not even colour blind but I figured out I could beat this puzzle by using the PS4's video sharing feature and playing it back frame by frame - a nice little 'meta' solution I was quite proud of)

So, anyway, the challenge section... There's no way to take the easy road here - the challenge is a test of skill. Even an apparent 'cheat' that involved you being able to 'pause' on PS4 by turning the console onto rest mode and back on again has been nixed. The challenge section is a test of skill. Well, skill and luck - more on that in a minute. You could argue that it's an entirely superfluous part of the game that most people would happily pass up, but I'm not so sure. After literally about 30 hours in this world, assuming you've already activated all the lasers, it's hard to resist the pull of the final challenge.

Especially when it's the only trophy left to unlock...

So, you attempt the challenge. Classical music comes on - instantly unnerving for a game that until now has had very little sound to speak of. The first few mazes are simple, giving a false sense of security that isn't going to last. It takes a while to realise that the fourth maze is actually a map of where you need to physically walk towards the end. It became a routine for me to stop for a second and take an actual photo of the screen with my phone. So what? I'm useless memorising directions. You might I'm already showing signs of madness for doing this but I doubt I'm alone. Still, it's slightly disturbing looking back through my phone's images and seeing this:

Wow, I really tried this a lot of times, didn't I?

Not counting attempts where I restarted right at the beginning so as to get a perfect early run, I've probably attempted the challenge run over 100 times across 2 or 3 weeks. Why? Because I knew it was possible. Because after 30 hours of god damn line puzzles, I wanted to prove I could do it.

For a while it almost seemed hopeless. After the initial four easy puzzles the cavern gives way to a larger set of puzzles that come on in a random order and throw more complicated rules into the mix. Tetris blocks - I'm no good with shapes! Symmetrical lines - the absolute bane of my life. Then of course comes the part where you're presented with three puzzles, of which only one is solvable. It's quite a skill to be able to correctly discern, within the space of seconds, whether a puzzle is even solvable - a good many of my runs frankly ended at this point, and it doesn't help that getting a puzzle wrong actually pushes you back.

Then it's on to the physical maze I mentioned earlier - things are incredibly tense at this point because it's incredibly easy to get lost - the triangular puzzles are often some of the hardest ever, and in the 1% of cases when I actually manage to best them both, it's on to the final room - the cylinders.

The cylinders are evil.

Maybe they aren't actually evil, but the first few times I reached this point, it almost felt hopeless. There was no way I could calm down enough to think about what I needed to do, and with a symmetry puzzle - especially one where you can't see the whole puzzle at once - this should be a priority. By this point, if I'm lucky, the challenge mode's second song - the aforementioned In the Hall of the Mountain King, has either just started or well on the way to its full blazing finale. Either way, it makes things almost overbearingly tense, and painful when all I'm doing is standing there facing a puzzle I just don't know how to solve. I think I've got it but - nope - I've missed a dot. Try again. No, I don't see any other way of - oh, too late. Back to the first room. Try again.

So eventually I realised - turn off the sound. Sure enough, an hour or two of relatively relaxed attempts later...

The Mountain King had barely even begun! I had no idea until I watched it back later - but I'd beaten it with a solid two minutes to spare - a record time I don't think I'll ever be able to replicate, even with some of the embarrassing faffing in that video as I wandered about trying to find where the puzzles were.

I think I got lucky. Watching the footage back, a lot of the parts I tend to have trouble with - the symmetry, the triangles, were about as straightforward as I've ever seen. Is this fair? Is The Witness' final challenge based on luck, not skill, after all? I'm not so sure, but after over 100 failed attempts, this moment stands as one of the most powerful, euphoric and rewarding moments I've ever had with a game. That's the reason I had to write this blog. I've never quite experienced anything like this with another game. And I don't even know how I feel about that.

The Witness has certainly left an impression on me, then. I haven't even talked about the game's biggest 'eureka' moment yet - The fact that there are hidden puzzles everywhere in the environment, hidden in plain sight. Many people have mentioned how their view of the real world has become somewhat warped and that they are seeing Witness puzzles any place there's a circle and a line, or a grid, or the shadow of a tree branch, and I totally relate to them. Hell, the game's 'secret ending' even did that literally, even though it's a ridiculously pretentious amateur-hour live action plod. GoPro Blow?

The Witness is also one of the only games where leftover squared paper from my maths degree has actually come in handy.

It's a weird thing that happens as you get drawn in to the internal logic of Blow's game. It's almost like it's rewiring your sense of perception. It's scary - and also very empowering. It nearly drove me insane, but it shed a light on how my brain learns and adapts to new information. It's a very rewarding experience that proves that you don't need guns and action and pretty graphics - you can make an absorbing experience out of nothing more than a few hundred line puzzles... and pretty graphics.

PS: To any fans of the game, I highly recommend watching / listening to Blow's commentary with the Giant Bomb guys - it's pretty much a must-see for anyone wanting to digest the many intricacies.

Now excuse me, I have to go stare at more circles.

Mini-Reviews #4 - Winter Happened

Did ya think I was done? I've got another load of quick-fire reviews to get through...

Life is Strange

I wasn't initially bothered about this, on the presumption that it was a game about teenage girls and angsty social interactions. Not the sort of thing that I'd want to be seen playing, if that makes any sense. Still, I started hearing more and more buzz about the game and its time travel hook so I tried it out...

First impressions... bloody hell teenage girls are annoying, oh my god the lip syncing is so off it's painful, what tone does it want to have? All those concerns were still valid hours later, but I have to say, the game did win me over. I still don't really get the logistics of Max's power (what, she can reverse time without moving, so she's effectively teleporting? Without people noticing?) but the story does get more compelling, the drama does become engaging (I'll admit some of the moving moments were executed well, despite being somewhat hammy) and ultimately, it's a more complete, polished story about cause and effect than anything Telltale's done recently. Speaking of which...

Telltale's Game of Thrones & Tales From the Borderlands

Telltale's been kind of going through the motions recently, I feel. I've played through all of their Game of Thrones and Borderlands episodes and that's the conclusion I've come to. Game of Thrones had its moments and really felt authentic, but came with a somewhat fitting flaw - the high death count really made the whole thing feel depressing and hopeless.  Which is great on the TV show but when you're the one driving these characters to their fates? Ew...

A lot of people love Tales from the Borderlands, and that's fine, if the sense of humour is your thing. To me it came off a bit smug and show-offy, I would've preferred a subtler approach. It's still nice to have a lighter game from Telltale though, and it does feature possibly my favourite scene from any of their games.

But yeah, they're still going through the motions. The Michonne mini-series doesn't look too promising...

Until Dawn

Well, I've been harping on about story based games so far so I might as well talk about Until Dawn, a horror game starring such desperate D list actors as the cheerleader off Heroes and Mr. Robot (I haven't seen that show, maybe I should give it a chance). Until Dawn takes a clichéd premise and proceeds to have a lot of fun... not subverting any expectations. In fact, all I can really say is that the tension of not knowing whether I'm one quick-time event away from a permanent character death is what made Until Dawn interesting. Other than that, it's a very pedestrian walk down generic horror lane, with virtually every trope imaginable and at least twenty jump scares too many. It does have some ridiculously detailed, uncanny-valley pushing facial animation however. I might be a bit more invested if I wasn't half expecting Hayden Panettiere's character to regenerate like she always did on Heroes. Speaking of which...

Heroes Reborn

Oh god!!!

What the hell happened to Heroes? When it originally got cancelled, everyone was pretty sick of it as far as I recall, but it never sunk this low, I swear. It's not just the recent stream of high quality TV competition that worked against this - in almost every single facet, this is the worst show I've seen in years. Awful writing, awful characters, embarrassing effects. I could go on but I can't, I just... can't bring myself to write any more about this stupid... just look at it! Get it out of my face, I need to get back to something good...

The Martian (film & book)

Yay! First of all, I love that someone’s finally managed to make a survival story that works without any shoehorned emotional baggage. The Martian hasn’t got any time for that crap. It’s all about solving problems, not crying about them.

I saw the film first, and wasn’t expecting the it to work in such an engaging, uplifting way. I look back now at the likes of Gravity and Interstellar, both films I liked, thinking why couldn’t they have had a bit more fun too? Great cast, great direction, great visuals and a great sense of humour… you get the idea.

Reading Andy Weir’s novel was interesting because it made me realise how largely faithful the film was, and also the way it was written almost as a technical how-to guide for surviving on a deserted planet. I’m exaggerating slightly, but the scientific approach that was already prevalent in the film is significantly expanded in Weir’s prose. It manages to retain a solid sense of humour and excitement throughout, so… if you asked me which version of the Martian to go with? Both!

Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of the Worlds

I went to see this recently. It's alright. Here's the thing - you've got to really be a fan of the album before you go to see this. It's literally a visualisation of the music rather than a play that makes use of the music.

You'll probably get a kick out of it if you're familiar with folks like David Essex and Jeff Wayne himself (who was indeed on stage and conducting), but, you know, I was born in the 90s...

It felt like a bunch of sci-fi fanatics dancing around with ridiculous props, pyrotechnics and a general chaotic atmosphere, like it was all about to fall apart at any moment: Kids not singing in time with each other, a "hologram" of Liam Neeson appearing every five seconds for awkward narration, dodgy background CGI... The music is all good, in a surreal 70s way at least, but, you know, just make sure you're a fan of it before you check it out.

Other Things...

Star Wars: The Force Awakens - Great! Can I really think of something original to say about it? Probably not.

Undertale - I could write for ages about why this is probably my favourite game of 2015 but that would make me an 'Undertale preacher,' and those people scare me.

The Hateful Eight 70mm Roadshow - Great Tarantino film made that bit more special by the presentation. The roadshow's over now so no point recommending it!

Spectre - Fun but flawed Bond film. Liked it at the time, thought about it, realised how lazy some of the writing is, watched it a second time, liked it a bit. The opening is good.

Super Mario Maker - This isn't a review, this is a plug. I made some levels, go check 'em out.

Halo 5: Guardians - LOL REQ POINTS GET IT? REKT! Great Arena multiplayer, dodgy everything else. Agent Locke is boring. Why am I writing this?

That's all for now, see you again whenever I decide to accelerate my plans to release something meaningful. Adios!

Mini-Reviews #3 - Summer Happened

Right, summer is almost over, and it feels like it’s about time I bashed out some new unfettered opinions on stuff. Perhaps it will even help pass the time before Metal Gear Solid 5 comes out. One can only hope…

Terminator Genisys

Crikey, where do I even start with this one? It’s no secret that this latest attempt to resuscitate an iconic franchise didn’t exactly turn out that great, so the question remains, is it still worth watching? Well, yes, kind of, but please deposit your brain by the door. This, after all, is a film that insists, without question, that the only way to stop a nuclear apocalypse is to time-travel to merely hours before it’s due to happen, despite the fact that you could theoretically stop it years in advance. This is a film that thinks that the Terminator attempting to smile - a scene from Terminator 2 that was deleted to make room for better scenes, deserves screen-time as running gag. This is a film that spoilt its only legitimate twist in its own bloody trailers - and - if you successfully managed to avoid those - the posters too.

It can be fun though, a lot more fun than the tiring ad-nauseam of Terminator 3 and the bleak, bland, boringness of Salvation. Watching an old Arnold fight his younger-self, realised in impressive CG, it hit me, this is nothing but a big-budget fan-film, and shouldn’t be held in any higher regard. In that respect, it has its moments. But as an intelligent sci-fi flick to rival the original films? Don’t even go there. 

Bonus thought:  Paps! I had no idea Emilia Clarke could be so annoying.

Ant-Man

No, I’m not just reviewing this to help justify the ‘mini’ in this blog title.

Okay, so I’m going through a bit of a superhero fatigue phase at the moment. I haven’t even watched Age of Ultron yet, so it will probably strike you as odd that I went to see Ant-Man this summer. Well, put this one down to morbid curiosity I guess. I’m a giant Edgar Wright fan, so the fact that he had such a heavy involvement in the early days of this counts as a definite plus for me. Of course I’m disappointed that he didn’t direct it, but I’m sure he had his reasons. Having seen the finished film, I can think of plenty.

Ant-Man’s not bad - it is what it is. I appreciate the simplistic approach and the fact that it accepts the ridiculousness of its source material so unabashedly… After all, Ant-Man is about a man who shrinks in size and controls ants using mind-powers. It’s just… despite everything, I found the film very forgettable. It’s quite hard to put a finger on what went wrong - it’s like the whole film has been muted with a layer of mediocrity. A couple of ‘tip’ sequences in which director Peyton Reed mimics the style of Wright just feel off because they lack the kineticism we’re used to seeing in the likes of Shaun of the Dead. The effects look good, but there’s never enough weight to the action, leaving the audience is in a state of permanent detachment. Still, the final fight is quite something, hinting at the ludicrous potential that could have been unlocked since it establishes that literally anything can be shrinked or grown at ease. Perhaps it’s good that they didn’t go crazier, but a little more insanity might have made the film stand out a bit more. As it stands, there’s nothing inherently wrong with the film - if you’re not suffering from superhero fatigue you’ll probably enjoy it quite a bit. 

Bonus thought:  A cameo from Marvel’s ‘bottom of the barrel’ Avenger feels like the most shoehorned-in bit of ‘universe building’ nonsense that’s ever come out of one of these films.

True Detective Season 2

The biggest problem with True Detective Season 2 is the fact that it’s called True Detective. The first question anyone asks will inevitably be, ‘is it as good as the first season?’ which is an unfair comparison for so many reasons. It’s an entirely different story, different cast, different location, and the circumstances surrounding its release are totally different. Season 1 came out with virtually no fanfare, and became a big hit. For Season 2 we’re all expecting something great from the get-go. I guess it makes sense to make it a ’sequel’ for marketing purposes, but the point I’m getting at here is that for all intents and purposes, they shot themselves in the foot with this one, and this should be treated as a separate show.

Christ, that was rambling. Maybe I should talk about whether it was as good as the first season…

Well, it’s certainly a more laborious watch, if that makes any sense at all. The meandering plot is dark, grisly, and kinda all-over-the-place. Ask me to describe it, I’m tempted to just shrug and blow bubbles, such is the convolution here. Watch it for the characters, I’d say, and the general atmosphere. It gets under your skin in a mildly hypnotic way, even if long stretches of episodes are padded out with meaningless pretentious dialogue. Performances are good for the most part, especially Colin Farrell, who I don’t think has ever been on such fine form. There are some great action and set-pieces sequences peppered throughout, especially towards the end, though there’s nothing as insanely well crafted as McConaughey’s one-shot drug-fuelled gang infiltration from the first season. 

Bonus thought: Not sure Vince Vaughn convinces as a honcho tough-guy gangster type. Oh, maybe that was the point.

Fear the Walking Dead: Pilot Episode

As if superhero fatigue wasn’t enough, I’m gonna go ahead and add zombie fatigue to my list of impairments. Specifically Walking Dead fatigue. Because my god, is there a lot of The Walking Dead around at the moment. I could ramble for ages about some of my problems with the main show, but let’s not do this now. Let’s talk a bit about the new spin-off prequel that debuted last week.

I was cautiously optimistic about Fear the Walking Dead, as I figured it would be a fresh new perspective for the franchise. Away from the repetitive trudging through forests, sitting contemplatively, more trudging, more sitting contemplating… the crickets, oh god the crickets never stop!! But I digress. Fear the Walking Dead’s setting is boring. The pre-apocalypse world is boring. The action is boring. Sorry if this sounds pre-emptive and immature, but it’s simply my knee-jerk reaction to many of the generic decisions that were taken with this pilot episode.

They’re generic because this story has been done to (pardon the pun) death. Of course there’s the drugged up protagonist who makes first contact with the undead and doesn’t know if what he’s seen was real. Of course there’s a character who’s been reading up about mysterious outbreaks and is met with skepticism by others. Of course there’s the viral video of the one zombie being gunned down by police, long before anyone suspects something is up. Maybe I’m expecting too much, but I’d like to be surprised once in a while, guys. In spite of these things, and the mostly sub-par acting, I started to warm to the show towards the end. I found Frank Dillane’s Nick character to at least be engaging, as he wanders about in a state of deluded panic, seemingly channeling a young Johnny Depp. Maybe it’s his face. Anyone want to reboot Edward Scissorhands? I lost track again. Where was I? Oh yeah, talking about a show I don’t care about. Well, whatever. I’ll see how this pans out over the next few weeks. 

Bonus thought: Opening with a guy stumbling around would be nice zombie foreshadowing, but Shaun of the Dead did it already. Yes, I’m namedropping that again.

Rare Replay

Now to balance out the negativity from above with some good old-fashioned gushing. Yes, I've talked about Rare Replay already, but now that I’ve been sitting with a controller glued to my hands for the past month, I can confirm that everything went well with this one. Great value, great presentation and a great set of games to boot. Let’s dig deeper…

Quick reality check. The games are dated, inevitably, and there’s nothing we can do about that. The ZX Spectrum games are ancient and cryptic to the point of incomprehension. The Snapshots feature is alright, but pales in accessibility to NES Remix. Jet Force Gemini’s controls are weird - I personally have no problem with that, but I can see why people can’t get past it. And yes, Conker’s Bad Fur Day doesn’t hold up well against the more recent Xbox version, which unfortunately wasn’t included here. Neither is GoldenEye, of course, but we can’t help that. I definitely suggest digging out your old N64’s for it though - split-screen multiplayer is still a blast.

I like to think of Rare as being the Aardman equivalent in the gaming world. I grew up with their games, I follow what all their devs and ex-devs are up to on Twitter, and I know far too many facts about the history of the company. So the Rare Revealed video segments are great extra material for me - interesting too, talking candidly about Nintendo on a first-party Xbox product (despite the whitewashing of all Nintendo logos and more in the games themselves). These behind the scenes videos did leave me wanting more though - thankfully they’re planning to continue the series on YouTube.

What’s important to me is that this marks the resurgence of Rare in the gaming industry as a force to be reckoned with. I don’t normally care about charts and stuff, but there’s something satisfying about the fact that Rare Replay is the company’s first game to hit number 1 since the Banjo days. I hope it encourages Microsoft to give Rare a more hands-off approach, to nurture its IPs better (as they’ve already started doing with the likes of Killer Instinct and Battletoads) and to let them to preserve their iconic British charm - its quite telling that there’s no mention of Kinect Sports in this whole collection. 

The Banjo games are brilliant. Perfect Dark is one of my favourites of all time. If you want to start somewhere, I actually recommend the obscure haunted house brawler, Grabbed by the Ghoulies. It was unfairly treated at the time, and it’s brilliant, easy to play but with a lot of challenge to boot - it’s a cacophony of silly noises and hilarious designs and stands as a brilliant summation of the company’s humour and visual appeal overall. Diddly-doo!

Bonus thought: I’d never played Viva Piñata before but I’m thoroughly hooked now. Though I wish the Rare revealed video explained who the hell thought using Comic Sans as a font would be a good idea.

Well, that was quite a bumper set of reviews. Though I’m looking at the clock, and Metal Gear Solid 5 still isn’t out yet. Bugger. 

Belated thoughts on E3 2015

Alright, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Turns out, if anything was gonna convince me to write a new blog, a major gaming event littered with big budget bombshells will. So, without further adieu, here are my belated thoughts on some of the big announcements from E3 2015:

Star Wars Battlefront
(Nov 2015 - PS4, Xbox One & PC)

It’s been years since we've had a proper Star Wars game. No, I don’t count Kinect Star Wars. I’m not sure if I even count The Force Unleashed. No, for me, I’ve always found the idea of piloting X-Wings and AT-STs far more exciting than running around as an overpowered Jedi. So here’s Dice’s big new Battlefront, and it looks almost too good to be true. Which may well be because all we’ve seen is an incredibly precisely choreographed slice of gameplay, with no context as to how well things will work out on launch day. Nevertheless, it’s Star Wars. It’s big and loud and pretty and it couldn’t be timed any better. It’s no secret that this isn’t the first time a third Battlefront game has been in the works, as the story of LucasArts’ downfall and Free Radical’s failed attempt is pretty well known by this point. While that previous concept was ultimately more ambitious, featuring massive seamless land to space battles, I’m not mourning that loss any more. This new game doesn't even feature space battles, but... man... I want it...

Pros: Extremely authentic and polished, no Star Wars game has ever been this spectacular.

Cons: Question marks around online performance and DLC / monetisation plans

The Last Guardian
(2016, PS4)

Yep, The Last Guardian’s back after being off the radar for a good 5, 6 years. I’m not really surprised that the game is still happening - I know it was rumoured to have been cancelled many times previously. I’m more surprised at just how similar it looks now to it’s original unveiling. That’s not a criticism by the way, it looked amazing back then… it must be a testament to that original design that after all the stops and starts that occurred over this game’s torturous development, the design of the creature and surrounding presentation was strong enough to survive it all. It’s clear that this game is essentially Ico again but with a much larger companion - a rather literal blend of Ico and Shadow of the Colossus that certainly shows Ueda’s intentions at making this a spiritual successor. And when those two games are considered among the greatest of all time, I think it’s safe to say we should be very excited indeed.

Pros: Great surprise to have this back right when people were writing it off. Looks beautiful. I want to pet the giant bird dog thing. 

Cons: Hopefully more than just heartstring bait. Does anyone remember how annoying Ico’s gameplay actually was?



Doom (Remake)
(Spring 2016 - PS4, Xbox One & PC)

Doom is back, once again proving that nobody does FPS gibs like id Software. Anything new from the studio that gave us the Wolfenstein - Doom - Quake lineage back in the 90s is instantly worth note. This time, they seem to have taken a cue from the popular fan mod Brutal Doom, that ups the gore to absurdity levels. The controversy surrounding the ultra-violence showcased in the demo is a bit amusing to me. Complaining that a Doom game is too violent is like complaining that a racing game contains too many roads. What exactly were you expecting? My main point of concern isn’t the level of violence, but the fact that so much of it seems to be shoved in your face, bringing the gunplay to a standstill while you wait for a preset animation to finish. Quick time events are not something I want in a Doom game. It’s a shame, and hopefully most of it’s completely optional, because in all other respects the pacing looks fantastic. While it’s a bit of a cliche that every single shooter these days features fast sprinting and double jumps, I love that circle strafing and speedy movement is back in the game; it’s absence from Doom 3 is what made the game feel… well, not like Doom. Add to that the extremely robust looking level editor tool that’s bundled with every version of the game, and I think id are on their way to a winner.

Pros: BFGs, super shotguns, fire imps, revenants, circle strafing, that E1M1 music…

Cons: Too start - stop with all the execution moves. 

Fallout 4
(Nov 2015 - PS4, Xbox One & PC)

I haven’t played a Fallout game before, which I guess makes me a nutter. But what I’ve seen of Fallout 4 looks really pretty spectacular indeed. Director Todd Howard’s demonstration of the game was quite something - my brother already described him as the ‘Steve Jobs of game presenters,’ (but that’s not exactly much of a compliment considering the competition). He even managed to make a ludicrously exuberant limited edition sound worthwhile. Anyway, Bethesda look to have put together something that’s a real generational leap over the likes of Skyrim, with loads of variety and depth (even managing to riff on Minecraft and the like). There may be no Liam Neeson on voicing duties, but the new dialogue branching sounds interesting, and the dog interaction sounds great too. Luckily, it sounds like the dog will be indestructible, so there’s no need to keep the tissues on standby in anticipation for that heartbreaking scene we all envisage when hearing the word ‘dog’ mentioned in the same sentence as a violent video game. So yeah, I may well break my Fallout virginity upon the game’s release this Winter. Oh wait, I already have, I’ve been playing mobile spin-off Fallout Shelter the past couple weeks. I don’t even like mobile games, what’s going on?

Pros: An open world game that actually stands out from the crowd. The dog can’t die.

Cons: I don’t know if I like Fallout games yet.

Rare Replay
(August 2015 - Xbox One)

I thought it would be nice if Microsoft acknowledged British studio Rare’s 30th anniversary with some kind of compilation, but I wasn’t expecting anything near this generous. Now excuse me for sounding a little bit overly excited here, but this is literally my entire childhood being pressed into a single disc. 30 games, consisting of almost all of the company’s hits (though no licensed games, GoldenEye is out) all in one place for an absurdly cheap price. Sure, the games themselves are likely to be rather bare-bones emulations, but it’s the thought that counts. The overarching interface is well presented, at least from what I’ve seen of the preview videos, and with some cool extra features like a snapshot mode that lets you chain together snippets of older games, NES Remix style. So consider me impressed. And I never, ever expected games as obscure as Blast Corps or Snake Rattle ’n Roll to get a rerelease. Definitely a labour of love for (what was formally) my favourite game developer of all, and as if that wasn’t enough…

Pros: Absurd value for money, nice theatre based presentation. They’re re-releasing Jet Force Gemini.

Cons: Well, obviously there’s nothing new here. Nitpickers will complain that the games aren’t fully remastered. Conker Live & Reloaded didn’t make the cut.

Sea of Thieves
(2016 - Xbox One & PC)

…Is it fair to say Rare is officially back now? Between this, Rare Replay and the recent Kickstarter smash hit for Banjo successor Yooka-Laylee, the stench of years of disappointing losses and mediocre Kinect games is starting to be washed away. Plus, it’s pirate themed, which is extremely fitting for a company that for so many years has insisted on putting pirates in games but never giving them a game for themselves. It’s a new IP, which is a great move, even if it’s effectively a reimagining of the old Project Dream concept. There’s not that much to go on so far, but the visuals are looking lovely, and if this can build on some of the big open world pirate game concepts that Assassin’s Creed IV toyed around with, there’s a lot of good that could come out of this.

Pros: There may not be much of the old staff around, but that’s definitely a Robin Beanland score I hear, and long-time designer Gregg Mayles is on board, judging by the fake usernames floating about in the trailer. Pirates!

Cons: It’s clearly got it’s ambitions in the increasingly worrisome ‘always-online’ arena. Let’s hope they don’t mess it up.

Star Fox Zero
(Q4 2015 - Wii U)

Nintendo’s online E3 event was surreal and shambolic, being mostly comprised of (admittedly entertaining) puppet antics, shockingly light on new game announcements other than ones that angered the entire core fanbase of the company. The one thing that stuck out for me was the game Nintendo decided to focus the most on, their new Wii U Star Fox. My first thought upon watching gameplay for Star Fox Zero was something along the lines of ‘that is definitely Star Fox.’ My next thought was ‘this is almost too Star Fox.’ Artistically and conceptually, Nintendo have adopted an incredibly old-school, almost backwards approach with bright, basic visuals, cheesy dialogue and a general quirky tone that’s right in line with the last ‘true’ game in the series, Star Fox 64. You know, 18 years ago. I loved that game. I don’t know what people without a nostalgia hat are going to make out of this, you know, if they had to choose between this and Star Wars Battlefront.

Pros: First authentic Star Fox game in decades. Platinum Games co-developing.

Cons: Almost too retro? Wii U control gimmicks might end up being a hindrance.

Other thoughts:

Super Mario Maker  - Now that’s a game creation tool I can really get behind…

Metal Gear Solid V  - It’s coming so soon that I don’t want to spoil it for myself, so no comment.

Call of Duty: Black Ops 3  - Almost looks like a superhero action game now. Running out of ideas?

Assassin’s Creed Syndicate   - Another one. This time with Cockneys. Think I’ll pass.

South Park: The Fractured But Whole   - Brilliant title. That’s all I wanted to say.

Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End   - Flawless cinematic action. Except for the fact that it breaks every time they show it.

Final Fantasy 7 Remake  - Well that’ll shut the fanboys up at last.

Shenmue 3  - Ditto. But doing it via Kickstarter is a bit disingenuous, surely?

No Man’s Sky  - Is this ever going to come out?

Horizon: Zero Dawn  - Female Turok versus robot dinosaurs, or something.

Cuphead:  Oh my god, it’s beautiful.

Dreams - Okay. what is it again?

Halo 5: Guardians  - Pew pew pew. Locke is the most generic character of all time.

Destiny: The Taken King  - They won’t be ‘taken’ my money this time. Hur hur hur… Wait, are those new subclasses? Shhhiii…

Gears 4:  Uh… Too many games with guns. It’s melting my brain.

Rise of the Tomb Raider:   Nope, there’s no way she survived that.

Microsoft’s Hololens:  Waiting to see more of it. If I was into Minecraft, I’d have crapped my pants.

Final thoughts? All this virtual reality tech is certainly very intriguing, but I'm not sure this guy's really sold me on the new Oculus controllers.

That's all guys!

My Story of Making Stuff

It’s been a while, erstwhile fans of my blog (yes, all 2 of you) so you might be wondering what games and films I’m planning to review next. Actually, I did promise someone to add some variety on here by not restricting myself to only doing half-arsed reviews every now and then… So I’m back with something unapologetically self-obsessed that maybe taps into the reason I’m doing this silly little thing in the first place.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to create. It’s always been a driving force in my life, and I’ve also never been particularly restricted to one form or another. Well, okay, there are restrictions, in the sense that there are certain things that I’m so appallingly bad at that it makes no sense to even contemplate trying them. And that’s ok. Arts and crafts, anything relying on manual dexterity; certain primary school projects featuring pottery or stitching or woodwork come to mind as disastrously applied examples of botched art; it is quite apparent that these are not areas that I should be looking to fulfill my creative itches.

So, at a young age, faced with an overwhelming lack of ability in sports but above average literary skills, it makes perfect sense that I would want to write. All kids doodle, and doodle I did, but I also wrote, and wrote a lot. The really early ‘stories’ I wrote are surreal to the point of actually not making any sense at all, and not just because of the terrible handwriting. Looking back through all these archives (I’ve got really good at hoarding everything through the years, both on computer and on paper), it’s quite amusing to see how many stories and things I abandoned soon after beginning, after the first chapter, first page, or in some cases, after just the contents page (for a while as a kid, I had this hilarious quirk of wanting to do the contents page first, and guess the page numbers for each chapter, before even writing a single sentence.)

Video games had a massive impact on me. We got the Nintendo 64 in 1997, and my five-year old brain just exploded. I’d never seen anything like it; bearing in mind until then I’d only ever seen games on the blurry monochrome screen of the original Game Boy. So, of course, soon everything I was writing was video game themed; I’d be making up badly-worded game walkthroughs for games that didn’t exist and writing lists of game menus - even more pointless than fake contents pages. It didn’t matter though, it was all just adding fuel to the childish fantasies in my head, no different to kids playing make-believe and running around pretending there are exploding spaceships everywhere. 

The first ‘book’ of any notable length that I finished was based on N64 classic Banjo-Kazooie in 1998. It was about 50 pages long in the end (albeit with massive handwriting and huge pictures) but it was complete, and I was so proud of it I spun out two sequels over the next few years, and then tape-recorded myself reading it out loud like an audio-book, high-pitched voice and all. I would have been maybe 8 years old. I have no shame. (I also used to record myself playing around with a Casio keyboard - badly, I never learned to play piano - and singing along... THAT, my friends, is embarrassing.)

Of course, this was around the time I ended up starting to make things on computers. There was a great old art program called Kid Pix that I was obsessed with, not just because it was a child doodler’s paradise, but because it let you stitch together slideshows and essentially make your own little movies. Here's one of them:

"I think it's about time we fought Earth" - Great motivation there from the Martian leader

That was mind-blowing, because now I could tell stories through moving pictures as well as words. Over time, my dad’s graphic design credentials led me to gradually become exposed to what is now Adobe Flash, and it’s what I’ve used as an animating tool now for almost 15 years. The beauty of Flash is that it also houses its own programming language and combined with the visual interface it’s quite easy to make certain basic types of games. Yeah, games. I’d already been tinkering with level editors at this point, but there’s just something different about being able to make something entirely on your own. I had no idea what I was doing at the time, back in the early 2000s, but I figured out how to do point and click styled things and had an absolute blast doing so. Most of the time I’d knock out a title screen and get no further, but it didn’t matter that I was never going to finish most things, it was just fun to try.

Everything changed when we finally got broadband in the mid-2000s and I realised I could share my stuff with the outside world. Before then, I’d done the odd crude animation or two to share with people at school, but as I started developing my skills, I realised I really could do something more ambitious. My first real internet project in 2006, Stupid Mario Bros, was a crude sprite-animation video that I chose to do, pretty much, because similar things were already widespread and attracted a lot of views. Funnily enough, this video has had by far the biggest viewership of anything I’ve ever made, even though it’s unoriginal and was animated it in a single day.

10,000 views… 100,000 views… This was exciting! For a while I became captivated with the idea of simply having an audience, so I guess I became a bit of a sell-out. I jumped aboard the ‘YouTube Poop’ train, basically a fad of doing quick and silly remixes of memes, particularly the Cd-i videos, and these made up the majority of my YouTube channel for a good few years. I brought in a whole load of views this way, but it didn’t feel earned. It was fun for a while, but it was too cheap and lacking in spirit. I took up a number of ambitious projects to try and dispel this bad taste, and most fell through, though there were exceptions - this Star Wars game I did stands out as being a massive 6-month long project I can actually say I finished, back in 2008. During this period I had a website too, tank2tank.co.uk. It’s long-gone now, was never particularly successful, but it was a massive learning experience. In a way, I think it proved to me that internet views are pretty meaningless. You can attract a following from any kind of rubbish, but is that really what you want to do? You have to be a) absurdly lucky and b) obsessively committed to make a living off it anyway, so surely it’s better to just do what you feel like doing?

The flip-side of the coin is the feeling of having made a difference on a more personal, interconnected level. There’s the rare occasion where you get a comment along the lines of ‘this video cheered me up after a hard day’ or perhaps most unbelievably ’I watched this video with my parents and we quote it every day,’ and you can’t help but feel proud of what you’ve done. It’s still true, then, that people’s reactions to what I’ve made are something I actively seek out, whether it be between my friends or amongst strangers online. Of course, that can mean sifting through criticism or incessant trolling if you’ve ever navigated the labyrinths of YouTube comments before. It’s never been a problem for me, though. Sometimes I question whether I’m just selfishly looking for something to prove, to witness that spontaneous reaction of people being impressed, amused, or even in awe of seeing something they wouldn’t know how to make themselves. I don’t know whether that’s really what it’s all about. There is something special about being able to provoke a reaction in something you’ve made, but there’s also something special about fulfilling your own desire to simply create, to seize ownership of your own imagination and turn it into something tangible. 

In recent years perhaps my output has lessened. It’s a pretty natural effect of growing up, grinding through university, having to get a job and then having less time week on week to make things at the same rate as before. Also, it’s a side effect of wanting to make everything better, trying more and more ambitious ideas that just aren’t going to go anywhere without proper planning and time management. As recently as 2012 I was trying to focus on Shoe Sandwich, a collaborative channel with much higher quality output; for a while it looked like it would work - the Shoenice video below is the most sophisticated animation I’ve worked on - but like many things Shoe Sandwich soon fell apart due to a lack of time and overly elaborate ideas.

If I die tomorrow, at least I can die knowing that I once voiced a talking tampon.

But elaborate ideas can’t be ignored. My own YouTube account may have gone quiet and it may be harder for me to find the right time or place to work on something, but I can never give up on my desire to create. Why else do you think I started this blog? I have massive projects I still want to do someday, things I’ve never tried before, other things I’m already half-way there on. I’ve come full circle, in a way, back to my original desire to tell stories and design games, and I’m finding it exciting. It’s really, really exciting. What I’ve learned is that it really doesn’t matter what medium you choose. Writing books, poems, drawing comics, painting, making music, singing, dancing, acting, directing, programming… it doesn’t matter what it is you choose to do, or how you choose to do it, or how successful you are at it. It doesn’t have to have anything to do with your career, or get in the way of your degree. It can just be a hobby. I actually like the fact that it’s just a hobby for me. In a way, that makes it more special. Do it because it’s enjoyable. I know what I want to do.

Mini-Reviews #2 - Sci-fi Roundup - Apes, Space Raccoons, Bald Men & Betas!

Oh, wow. I've somehow broken the 'one blog per month' curse to do another selection of half-arsed reviews. This time they're all sci-fi themed. Yep, time to embrace my inner nerd...

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

The confusingly titled sequel to Rise of the Planet of the Apes (how can the dawn come after the rise?) is a brilliantly made blockbuster. Even if you disliked the previous film, it's worth giving this one a shot as it has a significantly different tone. The film does a good job of keeping you invested and rooting for both sides, though the CGI chimps undeniably steal the show. Koba in particular gets some very scene-stealing moments. The characterisations and mo-capped performances are complex and nuanced even when the film dares to devote entire scenes to subtitled sign-language and simple primal growls. Despite devolving into silly, schlocky action full of apes-riding-horses-with-machine-guns, exploding skyscrapers and overly convenient plot contrivances, it does so in such a way that the film loses none of its credibility while more than fulfilling the Summer blockbuster action itch.

Guardians of the Galaxy

Has Star Wars come early? Er... if Han Solo were a space raccoon and Chewbacca were a talking tree... maybe... Actually, Chris Pratt's Starlord is even more the Han Solo type, making for a likeable protagonist, rolling around with his inexplicably-still-working Sony Walkman. Some good song choices in this movie. It's fun seeing a goofy ensemble sci-fi that doesn't take itself too seriously, but does enough to make us care about what is happening. I'm looking at you, Star Trek Into Darkness. Effects can be a little over-flashy and some scenes are derivative of other Marvel films (good or bad depending on how much you're into them, personally I'm a little burned out), yet the film has a lot of director James Gunn's wacky indie charm, a massive likeable cast and does a great job setting up an expansive and completely bonkers world. I just wish Peter Serafinowicz had more to do.

The Zero Theorem

Moving away from blockbusters, here's something that's had virtually no marketing of any kind. A dystopian film from Terry Gilliam, very much in the vein of his classic Brazil (which is one of my favourite films), though this is way more abstract and less accessible. Django Unchained's Christoph Waltz plays Qohen, a bald, deluded programmer tasked with mathematically proving that life has no meaning, or something. It's all very surreal and visually interesting, as one would expect from a Gilliam sci-fi. There are plenty of quirky elements, like the AI therapist who at one point breaks out into rap for no reason whatsoever. The film is only sporadically thought-provoking though, it's mostly just headache-inducing Gilliam nonsense. At one point a character asks, "Do you have any idea what the zero theorem is all about?" which is a very apt comment.

Destiny (Beta)

Alright, now let's talk games. As anyone who's been following Destiny's development probably knows, Bungie ran a beta of their Borderlands-esque Halo-but-not-Halo shooter for the public a few weeks back. I had a decent amount of time with it, but I came away somewhat disappointed. Production values - awkward Peter Dinklage dialogue aside - are incredibly strong, particularly soundtrack-wise, while the controls are as smooth as you'd expect given the company's heritage. It's just that the focus is so much on grindy, MMO-style repetition... I spent nearly two hours trying to grind out a tank boss with a couple of other cohorts and wandered what I was doing with my life. There's just so much repetition in the design that everything rubs off as generic and pointless, in spite of how good it looks. Guardians? Darkness? Fallen? Blah. Thanks Bungie, I'll pass. I think I'm getting a bit sick of sci-fi now.

6 Pointless Observations About Commuting to London

Right, I think I feel like taking a break from talking about mooveez ’n vidya gamez for once. Good gravy! Did I just say what I thought I just said?

As a graduate who has now managed to transition into the perpetual reality that is the world of work, as someone who was used to taking five minute walks into lectures and had to adjust to a daily ninety minute commute into the capital, I thought I’d give a brief overview of some of the less-than-widely-documented things I’ve noticed over the last few months. 6 of the most unceremoniously trivial and generally obtuse points I can think of, which may or may not ring true for anybody else of a similar background. Are we sitting comfortably?

1- Commuting from outside London isn’t as common as I thought it would be

You can always tell when somebody asks ‘where do you live’ that they are expecting the name of a London borough somewhere within zones 1 to 6. Give a different answer and the typical response will generally be ‘which zone is that,’ to which you must calmly explain that there are in fact places beyond the city and it is actually possible to come from “the outside.” Once the shock dials down, the accuser will then proceed to either treat you as one of the wildlings from Game of Thrones or continually ask you bewildering questions about your commute as if it is the most exciting thing in the world. (Spoiler alert, it isn’t, although that hasn’t stopped me blabbing on about it.)

Of course, I shouldn’t complain at the end of the day, because there are still more than enough commuters like me around. Frankly, if there were any more of us, the whole national rail system would grind to a halt. In the grand scheme of things there isn’t much to complain about - the travel time is still significantly less than many people who live within the confines of ‘zone 1-6’ so is it really something to worry about? Cheaper house prices offset the higher travel costs, so in the end of the day, I suppose, the decision of where to live is a matter of personal convenience, and personally, it’s quite convenient being able to come in from such a distance that there’s just enough time to watch an episode of Game of Thrones on the train every day. That’s the second time I’ve mentioned Game of Thrones and I'm still on point number one. I think I might have a problem. 

2 - Everyone walks around with smashed up phones

Now this is a weird one. I get the principal, really, you’re working in London, you’ve had a few pints and you’ve dropped your phone. The screen is all buggered… where’s the warranty? Your phone is on a contract, ooh but what’s this? Next year’s model is about to be released? Never mind - you can wait until then to get it fixed. But seriously? The amount of smashed up phones I see being used on a daily basis is quite bizarre to me. It’s at least one per day and often three or four, be it on the tube, out and about or in the office. I’m not talking minor scrapes or scratches either, I’m talking full-blown shattered glass.

Maybe it’s the fashion these days to be unable to see 95% of your screen thanks to cracks so deep they make the pixels around them bleed into one another. I can’t imagine it’s very good for productivity - try sending a legible text message when you can’t use certain letters ‘cos there’s a massive gaping hole in your screen. What exactly is going on here? Are people this prone to butterfingers with their mobiles when travelling out and about in the capital? I don’t remember ever noticing this trend anywhere else, maybe it’s just me? Maybe the sheer density in population is making it appear like this is more commonplace than it actually is. I guess the moral of this story is to take care of your phone, but if you smash yours up to the point that it’s almost unusable and want to feel less bad about it, I guess you should go to London.

3- There’s a knack for catching the right train at the right time

Alright, listen up whippersnappers. I’m going to break the commuters’ code and give y’all some actual advice right now. It’s hard to quantify this but there is a system, there is a way to make sure you always manage to get on a train that’s A) a fast train, B) always has a space to sit and C) doesn’t break down suddenly. The first point is obvious, you just have to know in advance which ones will have loads of extra stops and which ones won’t. If you want to do some more detective work, mix up your routine from time to time. Figure out which trains regularly have large pauses at signals at specific times (the ones with more stops won’t always be slower) and which ones tend to be the most crowded. 

As for point B, you don’t have to get to the platform super early, although it can help. If you’re staring at the departure boards waiting for an incoming train’s platform number to be announced, you can usually rely on simple deduction to figure out which platform it’ll be, and if not, I’ve noticed that the average King’s Cross’er doesn’t have particularly good reaction time when the boards refresh, even when they’re fixated on them. It’s pretty satisfying (in a kind of devilish, OCD way) to be the first one in a massive crowd to have twigged which platform a train’s gonna arrive at - and once you’re ahead of the masses, remember you’ve got first dibs for seating. If you’re not going to be early, I find that the best place to get on a long train is about a third the way down the platform. People will generally get right on the front of the train if they’re completely rushed, but many will try to go all the way down the platform and fill up from the opposite end, so you often end up with this weird lull about a third down the platform shortly before the train departs. That’s my advice, anyway. What do I know? I’ve not been doing this for very long, so I’m probably not qualified to write a whole bloody essay on it. 

Oh, as for point C? Yeah, ok, that was a lie. Good luck with that one...

4- Finding something productive to do on the journey isn’t hard, but plan ahead

More advice? What’s come over me? 

I’ve already mentioned how much I enjoy watching stuff on the train. However… If you’re trying to watch something on your phone in the middle of Summer, it can be pretty damn impossible to hear any of the dialogue with the sound of the wind rushing past, even with maximum volume booming out of your headphones. Frankly, nobody wants to shut the windows on a hot day, probably not even you. So download some subtitle tracks beforehand. It’s not hard to get them synced up to whatever you’re watching - use an app like VLC if you’re doing this manually. The other point of course is to make sure you’ll be able to get to a good stopping point in time. If you’re gonna sit playing games or even do some actual work on the train then the same advice stands. You don’t want to be missing your destination ‘cos you just had to beat that damn level / fix that spreadsheet (delete as appropriate)

I’ll confess to occasionally watching things at 120% playback speed. A little mental, I know, but faster-than-normal dialogue becomes surprisingly unnoticeable with practice (as long as it’s not pitched up.) So if you need to make a 50 minute show into a 42 minute show to fit the travel times, give it a go, and let me know how much of a nutter I am.

If all else fails, just take a nap. It’ll be good for you. I like to do that in the mornings, since it helps soften the blow of getting up at stupid o’ clock. Again, don’t miss your stop. It can happen.

5- Don’t eat food on the tube

Just don’t do it. I don’t care how empty the carriage is, it’s just not on. I’m not sure where this rule originated from but I could hazard a guess that it’s because you pretty much can’t find anywhere less hygienic in the whole of London, and that’s saying something. Oh, but feel free to go nuts if you’re on a National Rail train. At rush hour it’s like everyone's just come from an all you can eat buffet. 

That’s all I want to say about the underground. The less said about it, the better.

6- Beware the King’s Cross escalator hologram lady

She even has her own Twitter page these days. Shut your eyes! There is no escape!