Abandoned Scripts - Game Over

Blog filler time! While I continue to fail at finding adequate time to write entertaining junkets of trivialness on here, I'm going to dig out another one of my unproduced animation scripts from a couple of years back. This one actually did get started and released as a short Shoe Sandwich video, though we really didn't get very far with it.

Loosely based on the March 2012 administration crisis with British retailer GAME, this script was intended as a parody of the state of video games entering the digital distribution age. It could have been quite timely with the whole Xbox One debacle last year, but never mind. Also, Paul Christoforo is a character for some reason. If you haven't heard of him, read this article. It might just make your day.

Now, with no further adieu:

GAME OVER

It's launch day for Call of Warfare 3

INTERVIEWER

Good evening viewers! I'm reporting here live from the Gamerz midnight launch of Call of Warfare 3. This new title from Electronic Infinity Vision is set to become the highest grossing video game in history! Let's see what these guys think.

PERSON 1

Call of Warfare!! Wooo!!!!

PERSON 2

I'm so pumped man, this game's gonna change the world man, f'real man. Ugghhhh!!!!

PERSON 3

(A man is rubbing his crotch) 

UGHHHHEHHHOOHH

INTERVIEWER

You're near the front, right. How are you feeling?

PERSON 4

I've been sat here for 17 hours straight, just waiting and waiting and I can't… (inaudible)

Clock strikes midnight and the doors of Gamerz open, the crowd rushes in. Paul Christoforo is at the tills

PAUL

Hey man, welcome to Gamerz. What can I do for you?

PERSON

One Ultra Hardened Legendary Elite Edition please!

PAUL

Erm, alright , what game is that?

PERSON

COW 3!

PAUL

What? Three cows?

PERSON

Call of Warfare 3!

PAUL

Oh… right, we don't sell that game here.

PERSON

What?... but the signs?

PAUL

Uhh we got Call of Warfare 2.5. We'll throw in a free strategy guide!

(strategy guide is mispelled as 'stratagy guide')

PERSON

I've been here all night man, where's my COW 3?

(Outside the shop the crowd are getting anxious)

PERSON 1

What's taking them so long?

PERSON 2

Maybe it's not midnight yet?

PERSON 3

I bet it's part of the big buildup, just you watch…

(Small awkward wait as nothing happens)

PERSON 4

Uh… guys…  (looking at his phone)

(Back in the shop)

PERSON

This is just a joke!, how am I supposed to unlock perks and prestige before all my friends!? Euagghh!!!

PAUL

Son I'm 38 I've wworked as in this shop since you were a sperm in your Daddy's balls!

PERSON

You can't treat your costumers like this!

PAUL

Well, we here at Gamerz do value our customers but sometimes we get kids like you - we have to put you in the corner with your 'I'm stupid' hat on.

(Outside person 4 is reading what's on his phone)

PERSON 4

Confirmed, Gamerz is unable to sell Call of Warfare 3 due to a lack of credit insurance with the game's publisher and suppliers...

PERSON 3

What?!

(PERSONS burst in the store panicking)

PERSON 2

Is it true?!

PAUL

Is what true?

PERSON 3

Are you selling COW3 or aren't you!

PAUL

Pftt.. No of course not, we promised a launch party not a launch!

ALL THE PERSONS DELIVER LINES OF SHOCK

(Paul is kicking the crowd out of the store as a angry nerd riot starts outside)

PAUL

Oh yeah, yeah, cry bitches! I'll sell your orders on eBay!

INTERVIEW

(the man who likes to appear on the news is standing behind the reporter unfazed by the riot)

Excuse me, Mr. Christof… Mr. Christof… Damn (getting trampled by the crowd)

(Crowd is going mental like the London Riots)

PERSON 2

(Crying) Oh my god don't do this to me man, please God no man, please!

PERSON OFFSCREEN

OVER THERE!

(A delivery van is driving past, the mob chase after it and it crashes - shaky cam footage)

PERSON 4

I've got one!

Person appears having holding the game box, but the mob quickly overpower him and force the box open - the disc starts rolling down the street as the mob chase after it and rolls down the drain. Shot of the disc at the bottom of the drain buried in mud, then it cuts back to the interviewer who is watching the people try and reach into the drain. He turns to face the camera.

INTERVIEW

Another successful launch for the gaming industry. Call of Warfare 3, available from online retailers today.

Next is a montage scene showing a series of before and after stills with a fade in-between

 First - the outside of the Gamerz shop, which becomes a coffee shop or hairdressers or something.

Next - a bookshelf full of games becomes a collection of hard drives.

Next - a shot of a fairly small TV with a bunch of consoles is replaced with a TV that's far too large for the room, with a hard drive plugged into it. As this last part fades we hear a voiceover:

ELECTRONIC INFINITY VISION PRESIDENT

My fellow gamers. In the past few years, we've seen the rise of digital downloads as the primary distribution method for all forms of entertainment. But there are those who refuse to accept this new medium, and continue to hold back the gaming industry. That's why from today, it will be illegal to sell or distribute boxed games in any shape or form…

Camera pulls back to reveal a screen in the middle of a dystopian police-state city, with Combine-like police officers patrolling the streets. A shifty looking ‘dealer’ is ducking around in the shadows, and steps into an abandoned warehouse. He approaches the back of a van and knocks.

DEALER

Steve? I've got the package.

STEVE

(Opens the trunk of the van) Well well well…

DEALER

My money. Where is it?

STEVE

Ah ah… Not yet. Let's see it.

Dealer hands Steve a package. Steve opens it, revealing a game box (Call of Warfare 17 or something) He examines the box cover and smirks excitedly. He rips the box open and sniffs the inside as if it's a drug.

STEVE

Awww yeah… That is some good shit. What do you think boss?

(He tosses the box to a guy behind him who also sniffs the inside.)

BOSS

Disc, check, new game smell, check, no eco-friendly holes, uh-huh, full colour manual! Haven’t seen one of them in eons… no notes section, busy day?

DEALER

Nobody ever gave a toss about the notes section.

STEVE

Hm, funny guy. 

BOSS

Anyway, it'll do. Come over here.

(They lead him inside the van)

DEALER

It wasn't easy getting the right thickness of plastic, I'm telling you, the next time I…

STEVE

(draws a gun) FREEZE! THIS IS A RUSE!

DEALER

Oh god dammit!

BOSS

You didn't just think you could get away with disobeying the state like this, did you bub? See the sorts of tactics you dealers have forced us to employ. It's shameful. Cuff him, Steve.

DEALER

What you're doing isn't fair. What are collectors supposed to do now?

BOSS

Digital distribution allows for freedom of expression, innovation, getting away from the system.

DEALER

You people became the system! Seriously, when was the last time you played a game that wasn't a sequel?

STEVE

He's got a point there, Boss.

BOSS

Shut it! Look, sonny, like it or not, this is the way the world works now. Let's take this guy to the station.

DEALER

No…

STEVE

What was that?

DEALER

No!!!!

(Dealer grabs the game box and makes a run for it. He doesn't get very far.)

BOSS

Take him out.

(Dealer is shot and falls to the floor with the game case falling to the ground and breaking. Blood leaks into the game case and over to the same drain as before, where the original Call of Warfare 3 disc has become buried in the dirt and is being worshipped by insects.)

Abandoned Scripts - Star Wars: No Hope

So here’s a little sneaky look into an alternate future where George Lucas set out to do an ill-advised remake of the original Star Wars: A New Hope. Actually, it’s an unused script for an animation I wanted to make some time around early 2012, then the Disney buyout happened, Lucas stepped down and the whole thing suddenly no longer seemed relevant. But, you know, it’s Star Wars day, so what better time to dig it back out again…

STAR WARS: NO HOPE

By Tom Cheshire

Set in 2027, for the 50th anniversary of Star Wars, 82 year old George Lucas is about to begin production on the remake of A New Hope.

Ewan McGregor's house, phone starts ringing.

EWAN

Hello?

GEORGE

Hey Ewan, it's me Geoorrrge.

EWAN

Oh f***. What do you want?

Interview cutaway with Ewan McGregor

EWAN

I told him I was done. I didn't hold back. I told him, after episode 3, I said, George, I respect you, you made me a lot of money, but I don't want to see your pug-ugly face again. I wanted to sever our working relationship for good, y'know? But thing is with George, people say that to him every single day anyway. He doesn't even know what it means.

Ewan McGregor's house - Ewan is arguing with George down the phone

EWAN

No George, just no. There is no way … look it's not gonna happen George.. George! I'm not going to be a part of it! Not for 5 million, not for 10… 

GEORGE

I can give you 2 million now, plus 15 once we make the movie.

EWAN

… 17?

Interview cutaway with Ewan McGregor

EWAN

He knows exactly how to get what he wants. It's really simple with George. Money solves everything. I should have asked for more.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

We had to get Ewan back, there was really no other option. People say Alec Guinness was the perfect Obi-Wan but what they don't realise is he was a terrible Obi-Wan. Not the Obi-Wan that I had intended. I can't even bring myself to watch his performance. That was one of my main motivations for doing this new picture.

Cast roundtable, doing a read through of the script (really badly)

GEORGE

OK scene 17, Luke, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru at the dinner table.

GUY PLAYING LUKE

Gee Uncle Owen, I think the R2 unit we bought might be… have been stolen.

GUY PLAYING UNCLE OWEN

What makes you say that?

GUY PLAYING LUKE

I stumbled across this recred… recording he… and he said he began… begonged… er… belonged to someone called Obi-Wank… er.. Obi-Wonk, Obi-Wan Kennedy, Kenobi, sorry, George.

GEORGE

Why are you saying sorry? That was perfect! All that emotion in your performance, I’m right aren’t I Rick…

Producer Rick McCallum is sat opposite

RICK

It’s so dense…

GEORGE

Carry on!

GUY PLAYING UNCLE OWEN

Don't worry about that Luke, you can go to the academy next year.

GUY PLAYING LUKE

(turns the page of the script) … Yippee!

RICK

Oh… George… Oh it's so dense… So dense!

Rick is having some kind of orgasmic seizure all over the table. Ewan makes eye contact with George and slowly shakes his head.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

People sometimes ask me since I have the technology, why don't I just do the whole picture in CG? That’s not how I roll. I'm a traditional filmmaker. I like working with actors in real physical locations.

George and the cast walking onto his massive green screen set

GEORGE

Here we are! Isn't it great! How are the costumes guys?

The cast walk on screen wearing entirely green onesies

RANDOM CAST MEMBERS

Great. Terrific. 

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

Absolutely the best set I've ever worked on. The set designers really outdid themselves. 

George and Ewan arguing on set

EWAN

Where's the set?

GEORGE

I'm sorry?

EWAN

Is this it? Is this what they've been building for 6 months?

GEORGE

Yeah. We're here.

EWAN

It's… We're doing the whole film like this?

GEORGE

Of course. It needs to be realistic. What do you think, Steven?

Steven Spielberg is visiting

STEVEN SPIELBERG

It's just a green screen George! How is this the best set ever?

GEORGE

My green screen is bigger than your green screen.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

That's… A very good point.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

Directing is a really difficult job, really, one of the hardest and most tiring things you can ever do. I'm really hardworking, I'm always looking to shoot the most interesting shots and get the most out of my actors.

On set, George sitting in his director's chair with coffee.

GEORGE

And… action!

George SLOWLY lies back in his chair, all the fat bulging out and making squelchy noises.

(Montage of scenes of them filming the remake)

Ewan is about to film Obi-Wan's fight scene with Darth Vader

GEORGE

Ready Ewan?

EWAN

Yeah. Hang on, where's Darth Vader?

GEORGE

Oh, he's gonna be added in post processing. The suit isn't good enough for my vision so we're doing him digitally this time.

EWAN

Are you having a laugh? What the f*** am I supposed to do?

GEORGE

Just swing your lightsaber around. It'll look good!

EWAN

If you say so…

GEORGE

Action!

Ewan flails about randomly with his lightsaber whilst saying quotes like 'if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine'

GEORGE

Cut! Perfect! That's a wrap everyone!

EWAN

When do I get paid?

GEORGE

Soon Ewan, soon, you'll get your 5 million don't worry…

EWAN

5? You promised 17!

GEORGE

Oh… well…

George pulls Ewan in close.

GEORGE

I am altering the deal. Pray I do not alter it further.

EWAN

This deal gets worse all the… no wait come back here! This isn't fair. You made me sign a f***ing contract!

GEORGE

By signing that contract you agreed that Lucasfilm Ltd, i.e. myself, has the right to alter individual budgets, performances and credits at will without mutual consent. You quit then fine, I don't have to give you anything, I'll replace you with a digital puppet that does everything I want, the stupid kids cannot tell the difference!

EWAN

This isn't fair! I've been bored to death for the past 14 months in this snot coloured room wearing this embarrassing sweaty latex piece of shit and you drop my salary?

RICK

What's going on here?

GEORGE

This is MY MOVIE! And I'm making it the way I WANT TO!

George starts poking Ewan with his stick.

EWAN

Ow… what are you doing! Stop that!

GEORGE

Only now at the end do you understand!

EWAN

Hey, you can't do this! Piss off!

GEORGE

You are paying the price for your lack of vision.

EWAN

Rick … please! Get this jerk to stop will you?

Even though Ewan is barely getting hurt, Rick looks really worried and looks side to side like Darth Vader when the Emperor is electrocuting Luke.

GEORGE

And now, Mr. McGregor. You will die.

EWAN

Ow. That's… this isn't funny now George this is just pathetic. Stop it… George. Stop it. Rick?

RICK

No… No!!!

Rick picks up George and pathetically throws him on the floor

GEORGE

Ow… my back. That's not good.

George is rushed to hospital and is then lying in his bed in similar pose to Darth Vader's death. God appears before him and tells him he's rubbish, showing him scenes from the prequels as he dies. At the end George finally realises the error of his ways and pleads to God to give him another chance. So, God reincarnates him as a guy working in a supermarket. An Ewok walks past him. George does a double-take, then shrugs and gets back to work.

The Box Interrogation

All right, now here’s a script I wrote for an unproduced audio sketch back in 2012. I’ve sat on the script for a while, rewritten it a couple times and think it’s probably finally time to show it…  It’s an interrogation scene with a twist. A rather obvious twist. Bold lines are the interrogator, non-bold lines are the suspect.

THE BOX INTERROGATION

BY TOM CHESHIRE

Bring the suspect in.

Woah… Where am I? What the hell is this place? Ah… Who's that? Hello?

Good afternoon.

You’re gonna have to tell me sooner or later, what am I doing here?

I think we both know what you're doing here…

I don't know what you're talking about… I was just sitting, minding my own business and then you guys… picked me up and threw me in the back of a van. Do you even know what I'm made of?

You're a suspect in the murder of a certain Patrick Stockwell.

The murder… Oh… oh god, my god… he's dead?

Did you know him?

Yeah, I knew Packie. We were close, once. Used to see him all the time, till the day he had to move away. Shame… How did he die?

Started out as just a normal day at the factory. One minute everything’s fine, the next he’s flat on the floor. Something crushed him. He died instantly…

And… you, you think I did this? Seriously? How?

That's what I'm here to find out. If you'll open up to me, I'll make this nice and easy for you… 

I didn't crush him! I didn't!

You're a sharp little bugger aren't you…

I'm so tired… please… can’t you just let me go?

Not until you promise to be straight with me.

Straight? I'm always straight…

Then open up! I can't let you leave until you give me your side of the story...

You want my side? You can have it…

What were you doing at 5pm last Tuesday?

I was just sitting over there, on the corner the whole time.

On the corner?

Yeah.

Doing what exactly?

You know, just sitting, waiting. Waiting for a delivery, I think? I was gonna get myself topped up on a few supplies…

What kind of supplies?

Typical household stuff, food, you know, I was feeling pretty empty that day.

You’re full to the brim now aren't you…

I may have put on a bit of weight, yes. What's your problem?

Don’t be such a square. It looks like you're hiding something. I have reason to suspect you were involved in a certain drug smuggling scandal, too, but I’m willing to let that slide if you just tell me the truth… Did you kill Patrick?

I wasn’t even there! 

How do you explain this image, taken at the scene of the crime?

Wha… But, I mean, how's that supposed to prove anything?

I assure you our analysis was thorough, we've come to a conclusion that it's you. We've got a perfect match from every angle.

You… you've got me mistaken for some other…

You really expect me to believe you? This evidence could tear you down…

Listen, I didn't do it. I ain’t guilty of nothing. Don't I get power of attorney in any of this?

Looks like you've got the power of three… three different attorneys.

I have rights you know, and right angles… to come at this from. I'm innocent! 

Sigh, looks like I'm gonna have to resort to some… edgier... off the record methods…

Hey, what? What do you mean, edgier? Huh? What are you doing? Don’t touch my sides, I’m very fragile!

You're sides are gonna be the least of your problems by the time I'm finished with you. Let's see what you're really made of...

Stop cornering me! What are you going to do? Give me splinters?

You think it's funny don't you? You think you can just fold yourself all over this goddamn society without us noticing?

Ahhhh! Help! Please don’t tear me apart! Sob… Look at me, I'm in pieces!

I… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Pull yourself together… I just want some answers.

Hahaha… You can’t prove anything.

You two-faced son of a bitch. We’ve got it all on tape. We know it was you.

Hey, I ain't no two-faced son of a bitch, look at me. What am I?

You’re a common criminal.

All right, I’ll level with you. I did it. I murdered Packie. Big deal. The one thing, I swear, the one thing I can’t stand being called… is two faced. Look at me! This way up!

What?

Don’t act like you don’t know. Look at me. What am I?

You’re a murderer.

I'M A CARDBOARD BOX…

Yeah… Obviously. That’s why we call it a box interrogation. Chief, take him away…

I’m a SIX faced son of a bitch. Get it right next time.

END

(Trivia time: Inspired by a pointless wallpaper made by my friend Ryan, along with a bunch of comments I posted to it under the name tank2tank)