Abandoned Scripts - Game Over

Blog filler time! While I continue to fail at finding adequate time to write entertaining junkets of trivialness on here, I'm going to dig out another one of my unproduced animation scripts from a couple of years back. This one actually did get started and released as a short Shoe Sandwich video, though we really didn't get very far with it.

Loosely based on the March 2012 administration crisis with British retailer GAME, this script was intended as a parody of the state of video games entering the digital distribution age. It could have been quite timely with the whole Xbox One debacle last year, but never mind. Also, Paul Christoforo is a character for some reason. If you haven't heard of him, read this article. It might just make your day.

Now, with no further adieu:

GAME OVER

It's launch day for Call of Warfare 3

INTERVIEWER

Good evening viewers! I'm reporting here live from the Gamerz midnight launch of Call of Warfare 3. This new title from Electronic Infinity Vision is set to become the highest grossing video game in history! Let's see what these guys think.

PERSON 1

Call of Warfare!! Wooo!!!!

PERSON 2

I'm so pumped man, this game's gonna change the world man, f'real man. Ugghhhh!!!!

PERSON 3

(A man is rubbing his crotch) 

UGHHHHEHHHOOHH

INTERVIEWER

You're near the front, right. How are you feeling?

PERSON 4

I've been sat here for 17 hours straight, just waiting and waiting and I can't… (inaudible)

Clock strikes midnight and the doors of Gamerz open, the crowd rushes in. Paul Christoforo is at the tills

PAUL

Hey man, welcome to Gamerz. What can I do for you?

PERSON

One Ultra Hardened Legendary Elite Edition please!

PAUL

Erm, alright , what game is that?

PERSON

COW 3!

PAUL

What? Three cows?

PERSON

Call of Warfare 3!

PAUL

Oh… right, we don't sell that game here.

PERSON

What?... but the signs?

PAUL

Uhh we got Call of Warfare 2.5. We'll throw in a free strategy guide!

(strategy guide is mispelled as 'stratagy guide')

PERSON

I've been here all night man, where's my COW 3?

(Outside the shop the crowd are getting anxious)

PERSON 1

What's taking them so long?

PERSON 2

Maybe it's not midnight yet?

PERSON 3

I bet it's part of the big buildup, just you watch…

(Small awkward wait as nothing happens)

PERSON 4

Uh… guys…  (looking at his phone)

(Back in the shop)

PERSON

This is just a joke!, how am I supposed to unlock perks and prestige before all my friends!? Euagghh!!!

PAUL

Son I'm 38 I've wworked as in this shop since you were a sperm in your Daddy's balls!

PERSON

You can't treat your costumers like this!

PAUL

Well, we here at Gamerz do value our customers but sometimes we get kids like you - we have to put you in the corner with your 'I'm stupid' hat on.

(Outside person 4 is reading what's on his phone)

PERSON 4

Confirmed, Gamerz is unable to sell Call of Warfare 3 due to a lack of credit insurance with the game's publisher and suppliers...

PERSON 3

What?!

(PERSONS burst in the store panicking)

PERSON 2

Is it true?!

PAUL

Is what true?

PERSON 3

Are you selling COW3 or aren't you!

PAUL

Pftt.. No of course not, we promised a launch party not a launch!

ALL THE PERSONS DELIVER LINES OF SHOCK

(Paul is kicking the crowd out of the store as a angry nerd riot starts outside)

PAUL

Oh yeah, yeah, cry bitches! I'll sell your orders on eBay!

INTERVIEW

(the man who likes to appear on the news is standing behind the reporter unfazed by the riot)

Excuse me, Mr. Christof… Mr. Christof… Damn (getting trampled by the crowd)

(Crowd is going mental like the London Riots)

PERSON 2

(Crying) Oh my god don't do this to me man, please God no man, please!

PERSON OFFSCREEN

OVER THERE!

(A delivery van is driving past, the mob chase after it and it crashes - shaky cam footage)

PERSON 4

I've got one!

Person appears having holding the game box, but the mob quickly overpower him and force the box open - the disc starts rolling down the street as the mob chase after it and rolls down the drain. Shot of the disc at the bottom of the drain buried in mud, then it cuts back to the interviewer who is watching the people try and reach into the drain. He turns to face the camera.

INTERVIEW

Another successful launch for the gaming industry. Call of Warfare 3, available from online retailers today.

Next is a montage scene showing a series of before and after stills with a fade in-between

 First - the outside of the Gamerz shop, which becomes a coffee shop or hairdressers or something.

Next - a bookshelf full of games becomes a collection of hard drives.

Next - a shot of a fairly small TV with a bunch of consoles is replaced with a TV that's far too large for the room, with a hard drive plugged into it. As this last part fades we hear a voiceover:

ELECTRONIC INFINITY VISION PRESIDENT

My fellow gamers. In the past few years, we've seen the rise of digital downloads as the primary distribution method for all forms of entertainment. But there are those who refuse to accept this new medium, and continue to hold back the gaming industry. That's why from today, it will be illegal to sell or distribute boxed games in any shape or form…

Camera pulls back to reveal a screen in the middle of a dystopian police-state city, with Combine-like police officers patrolling the streets. A shifty looking ‘dealer’ is ducking around in the shadows, and steps into an abandoned warehouse. He approaches the back of a van and knocks.

DEALER

Steve? I've got the package.

STEVE

(Opens the trunk of the van) Well well well…

DEALER

My money. Where is it?

STEVE

Ah ah… Not yet. Let's see it.

Dealer hands Steve a package. Steve opens it, revealing a game box (Call of Warfare 17 or something) He examines the box cover and smirks excitedly. He rips the box open and sniffs the inside as if it's a drug.

STEVE

Awww yeah… That is some good shit. What do you think boss?

(He tosses the box to a guy behind him who also sniffs the inside.)

BOSS

Disc, check, new game smell, check, no eco-friendly holes, uh-huh, full colour manual! Haven’t seen one of them in eons… no notes section, busy day?

DEALER

Nobody ever gave a toss about the notes section.

STEVE

Hm, funny guy. 

BOSS

Anyway, it'll do. Come over here.

(They lead him inside the van)

DEALER

It wasn't easy getting the right thickness of plastic, I'm telling you, the next time I…

STEVE

(draws a gun) FREEZE! THIS IS A RUSE!

DEALER

Oh god dammit!

BOSS

You didn't just think you could get away with disobeying the state like this, did you bub? See the sorts of tactics you dealers have forced us to employ. It's shameful. Cuff him, Steve.

DEALER

What you're doing isn't fair. What are collectors supposed to do now?

BOSS

Digital distribution allows for freedom of expression, innovation, getting away from the system.

DEALER

You people became the system! Seriously, when was the last time you played a game that wasn't a sequel?

STEVE

He's got a point there, Boss.

BOSS

Shut it! Look, sonny, like it or not, this is the way the world works now. Let's take this guy to the station.

DEALER

No…

STEVE

What was that?

DEALER

No!!!!

(Dealer grabs the game box and makes a run for it. He doesn't get very far.)

BOSS

Take him out.

(Dealer is shot and falls to the floor with the game case falling to the ground and breaking. Blood leaks into the game case and over to the same drain as before, where the original Call of Warfare 3 disc has become buried in the dirt and is being worshipped by insects.)

Mini-Reviews #1 - Godzilla! Fargo! Mario Kart 8! E3!

Let’s try something new then, seeing as these blogs aren’t going to write themselves. Mini-reviews! Boom!

Godzilla (2014)
At last someone in the West figured out how to make an actual Godzilla movie unlike 1998’s pseudo-Jurassic Park nonsense. Godzilla himself has an impressive sense of scale and looks very good for once, but he sure likes to make us wait, almost like he’s doing a two hour long striptease. It means that we get just the right amount of Godzilla to have an impact, but we’re left with a mediocre human story to carry things, which only gets more generic and tedious as the movie progresses. It's generally all very well directed and acted; the other monsters have some decent moments, though I would have personally preferred it if ole Godzy was fighting something that didn’t look like an amalgamation of literally every single recent movie monster from Cloverfield to Super 8. Let’s get some of those bonkers Japanese monsters back. Well, maybe not all of them…

Fargo (Series)

Made oddly more compelling by the fact that virtually nobody I know was watching it, this series captures the tone of the Coen brothers film perfectly with some great visuals and a terrifically deranged Billy Bob Baddie. Between some over-the-top anti-heroes and ann amusing supporting cast (hi Saul!) there’s a strong, believable female protagonist much like the film to keep things grounded. Speaking of which, I worried at first that the characters and scenarios would be too archetypically similar to the film (to which the story is only loosely connected) but that fear subsided before the end of the first episode. Overall thoughts now that it’s over? Well, it was occasionally a little slow-moving, probably didn’t need 10 episodes, but there’s an engaging undercurrent of tension throughout. Now if only I could get over Martin Freeman’s accent.

Mario Kart 8 (Wii U)
Mario Kart 8 is like meeting up with an old friend you've kept bumping in to since 1996 and discovering that they are still exactly the same as they’ve always been, except they’ve suddenly struck gold in the looks department. Which is to say that the graphics are the main new selling point in Mario Kart 8, unless you count the anti-gravity stuff… but that would be doing a major disservice to the best racing game of all time. The replays are cool - scrubbing through them is a lot of fun; having no control over the camera isn’t. The racing is solid but the lack of item stocking is odd if you’ve been playing the series for years. The balancing is fairer than it has been previously (shudder) but still regularly aggravates. The battle mode is lazy. The extras are non-existant. Oh, stop whining! It’s Mario Kart.

E3 2014
E3 was a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t said anything about it which is weird because I’ve usually made a stupid parody video by now. Maybe E3 just wasn’t very exciting this year? Actually, that’s not true, the main reason is probably because there weren’t really any silly conference goofs to laugh at this year, so all we're left with is a load of marketing jargon and fake gameplay trailers for expensive shooter sequels. Microsoft did a good job of turning around the Xbox One’s terrible reputation. All it took was a fan-spanking Halo collection and the promise of 4000 gamer points, apparently. Sunset Overdrive looks passably entertaining and I’m hyped about the Platinum Games thing because Platinum Games. Sony went through the motions and kind of ran out of steam somewhere around their hundredth indie showcase, though I’m looking forward to the likes of No Man’s Sky. Nintendo meanwhile are now so stuck up in their own little world that literally anything goes, it seems, and it was refreshing to see things like Splatoon and the wacky new look for Zelda. Amiibo though - those Skylanders style toys for Wii U? I’m not convinced, but if anything’s gonna save them at this point, resorting to the old ‘gotta catch-em all’ tactics probably isn’t a bad idea. So there was some decent stuff at E3, but was there enough to justify buying a new console yet? Ask me again when Metal Gear Solid 5 comes out.

Abandoned Scripts - Star Wars: No Hope

So here’s a little sneaky look into an alternate future where George Lucas set out to do an ill-advised remake of the original Star Wars: A New Hope. Actually, it’s an unused script for an animation I wanted to make some time around early 2012, then the Disney buyout happened, Lucas stepped down and the whole thing suddenly no longer seemed relevant. But, you know, it’s Star Wars day, so what better time to dig it back out again…

STAR WARS: NO HOPE

By Tom Cheshire

Set in 2027, for the 50th anniversary of Star Wars, 82 year old George Lucas is about to begin production on the remake of A New Hope.

Ewan McGregor's house, phone starts ringing.

EWAN

Hello?

GEORGE

Hey Ewan, it's me Geoorrrge.

EWAN

Oh f***. What do you want?

Interview cutaway with Ewan McGregor

EWAN

I told him I was done. I didn't hold back. I told him, after episode 3, I said, George, I respect you, you made me a lot of money, but I don't want to see your pug-ugly face again. I wanted to sever our working relationship for good, y'know? But thing is with George, people say that to him every single day anyway. He doesn't even know what it means.

Ewan McGregor's house - Ewan is arguing with George down the phone

EWAN

No George, just no. There is no way … look it's not gonna happen George.. George! I'm not going to be a part of it! Not for 5 million, not for 10… 

GEORGE

I can give you 2 million now, plus 15 once we make the movie.

EWAN

… 17?

Interview cutaway with Ewan McGregor

EWAN

He knows exactly how to get what he wants. It's really simple with George. Money solves everything. I should have asked for more.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

We had to get Ewan back, there was really no other option. People say Alec Guinness was the perfect Obi-Wan but what they don't realise is he was a terrible Obi-Wan. Not the Obi-Wan that I had intended. I can't even bring myself to watch his performance. That was one of my main motivations for doing this new picture.

Cast roundtable, doing a read through of the script (really badly)

GEORGE

OK scene 17, Luke, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru at the dinner table.

GUY PLAYING LUKE

Gee Uncle Owen, I think the R2 unit we bought might be… have been stolen.

GUY PLAYING UNCLE OWEN

What makes you say that?

GUY PLAYING LUKE

I stumbled across this recred… recording he… and he said he began… begonged… er… belonged to someone called Obi-Wank… er.. Obi-Wonk, Obi-Wan Kennedy, Kenobi, sorry, George.

GEORGE

Why are you saying sorry? That was perfect! All that emotion in your performance, I’m right aren’t I Rick…

Producer Rick McCallum is sat opposite

RICK

It’s so dense…

GEORGE

Carry on!

GUY PLAYING UNCLE OWEN

Don't worry about that Luke, you can go to the academy next year.

GUY PLAYING LUKE

(turns the page of the script) … Yippee!

RICK

Oh… George… Oh it's so dense… So dense!

Rick is having some kind of orgasmic seizure all over the table. Ewan makes eye contact with George and slowly shakes his head.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

People sometimes ask me since I have the technology, why don't I just do the whole picture in CG? That’s not how I roll. I'm a traditional filmmaker. I like working with actors in real physical locations.

George and the cast walking onto his massive green screen set

GEORGE

Here we are! Isn't it great! How are the costumes guys?

The cast walk on screen wearing entirely green onesies

RANDOM CAST MEMBERS

Great. Terrific. 

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

Absolutely the best set I've ever worked on. The set designers really outdid themselves. 

George and Ewan arguing on set

EWAN

Where's the set?

GEORGE

I'm sorry?

EWAN

Is this it? Is this what they've been building for 6 months?

GEORGE

Yeah. We're here.

EWAN

It's… We're doing the whole film like this?

GEORGE

Of course. It needs to be realistic. What do you think, Steven?

Steven Spielberg is visiting

STEVEN SPIELBERG

It's just a green screen George! How is this the best set ever?

GEORGE

My green screen is bigger than your green screen.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

That's… A very good point.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

Directing is a really difficult job, really, one of the hardest and most tiring things you can ever do. I'm really hardworking, I'm always looking to shoot the most interesting shots and get the most out of my actors.

On set, George sitting in his director's chair with coffee.

GEORGE

And… action!

George SLOWLY lies back in his chair, all the fat bulging out and making squelchy noises.

(Montage of scenes of them filming the remake)

Ewan is about to film Obi-Wan's fight scene with Darth Vader

GEORGE

Ready Ewan?

EWAN

Yeah. Hang on, where's Darth Vader?

GEORGE

Oh, he's gonna be added in post processing. The suit isn't good enough for my vision so we're doing him digitally this time.

EWAN

Are you having a laugh? What the f*** am I supposed to do?

GEORGE

Just swing your lightsaber around. It'll look good!

EWAN

If you say so…

GEORGE

Action!

Ewan flails about randomly with his lightsaber whilst saying quotes like 'if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine'

GEORGE

Cut! Perfect! That's a wrap everyone!

EWAN

When do I get paid?

GEORGE

Soon Ewan, soon, you'll get your 5 million don't worry…

EWAN

5? You promised 17!

GEORGE

Oh… well…

George pulls Ewan in close.

GEORGE

I am altering the deal. Pray I do not alter it further.

EWAN

This deal gets worse all the… no wait come back here! This isn't fair. You made me sign a f***ing contract!

GEORGE

By signing that contract you agreed that Lucasfilm Ltd, i.e. myself, has the right to alter individual budgets, performances and credits at will without mutual consent. You quit then fine, I don't have to give you anything, I'll replace you with a digital puppet that does everything I want, the stupid kids cannot tell the difference!

EWAN

This isn't fair! I've been bored to death for the past 14 months in this snot coloured room wearing this embarrassing sweaty latex piece of shit and you drop my salary?

RICK

What's going on here?

GEORGE

This is MY MOVIE! And I'm making it the way I WANT TO!

George starts poking Ewan with his stick.

EWAN

Ow… what are you doing! Stop that!

GEORGE

Only now at the end do you understand!

EWAN

Hey, you can't do this! Piss off!

GEORGE

You are paying the price for your lack of vision.

EWAN

Rick … please! Get this jerk to stop will you?

Even though Ewan is barely getting hurt, Rick looks really worried and looks side to side like Darth Vader when the Emperor is electrocuting Luke.

GEORGE

And now, Mr. McGregor. You will die.

EWAN

Ow. That's… this isn't funny now George this is just pathetic. Stop it… George. Stop it. Rick?

RICK

No… No!!!

Rick picks up George and pathetically throws him on the floor

GEORGE

Ow… my back. That's not good.

George is rushed to hospital and is then lying in his bed in similar pose to Darth Vader's death. God appears before him and tells him he's rubbish, showing him scenes from the prequels as he dies. At the end George finally realises the error of his ways and pleads to God to give him another chance. So, God reincarnates him as a guy working in a supermarket. An Ewok walks past him. George does a double-take, then shrugs and gets back to work.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 Review

Minor spoilers ahoy

The Amazing Spider-Man 2, not to be confused with the Spider-Man 2 that only came out 10 years ago, is the sequel to The Amazing Spider-Man, the reboot of the movie version of the origin story of The Amazing Spider-Man comics, previously adapted in the 2002 movie Spider-Man. Still with me? This time around Spider-Man must face ‘Django 2: Electric Boogaloo,’ along with his nemesis the Green Goblin, Harry Osborn, who previously appeared in the movie Spider-Man 3 as the New Goblin, the son of the Green Goblin, Normal Osborn from the movie Spider-Man. Because comic book movies.

Andrew Garfield doesn’t have Tobey Maguire’s gift of unflattering facial expressions but admittedly comes off better as a more conflicted, nuanced version of Peter Parker. Which is funny when your superhero film also features a flying neon-blue Jamie Foxx playing what essentially amounts to a Dubstep version of Mr. Freeze. This film goes all over the place - it’s over the top and conventional at the same time, with an emphasis on setting up all the million billion sequels and spin-offs; that’s the Avengers law I suppose, stating that a superhero film series can no longer exist unless it plans to last several decades and contain at least twenty interlocked AAA blockbusters. All this obvious web-spinning (if y’all pun the pardon) would have got on my nerves except for the fact that it was all quite entertaining.

I’m glad that this sequel had the courage to follow through on a couple of lingering threads from the first film, but to be honest I could have done without the whole conspiracy subplot with Peter’s parents in the first place. The opening of this film is hilarious. It’s like the writers watched The Dark Knight Rises and soiled themselves, so felt they had to go with a plane crashing sequence too, one that feels out of place and serves virtually no purpose. Oh, I guess it did have a purpose - product placement for a certain Sony laptop. If we are to believe this film, these laptops are apparently able to stay connected to a server and upload a file in an exploding depressurised plane travelling at hundreds of miles an hour. The payoff to the conspiracy subplot is… basically just a confirmation of things that we, the viewers, suspect or already know by this point, and it’s pretty underwhelming at best. Plus the whole setup undermines the ‘Peter Parker is an everyman’ idea by making Oscorp far more integral in every area of his life. Speaking of which, I’d just like to write a quick letter to Spider-Man…

"YO SPARKLEZ"

Hey genius, you know the Oscorp company, the one with all these shady ties to genetic enhancements that was already responsible for your spider powers in the first place, oh, and that whole Lizard fiasco in the first movie? The one where your girlfriend works and for-some-reason-you-seem-totally-fine-with-her-working-there-despite-worrying-about-her-safety-because-you-are-also-spiderman-angsty-angst? You don’t suppose that the company shouldn’t already have been shut down because the whole of New York got wind about the Lizard thing and probably doesn’t feel safe with this massive shady corporation trying to control the future of science? You don’t suppose that they could be responsible for the creation of more super powered monstrosities in the future, do you? The kind that might, I dunno, put your girlfriend in danger, perhaps? You don’t suppose that your creepy childhood friend with serious emotional issues who’s just become the head of said company would ever have anything to do with that? You don’t suppose you should just openly tell him your girlfriend’s name and where she works so that you can maximise your chances of endangering her and exposing your secret double life do y… oh wait, you just did that, didn’t you. Well, never mind. The Marvel police are coming over here telling me not to worry because it’s just a comic book movie and stuff has to happen “because sequels.”

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is a big, noisy, bloated, silly, well-acted, over-acted, under-acted, predictable, shocking, stupid, entertaining ride. The romance scenes work better than those in the Sam Raimi trilogy because Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone actually have believable chemistry, which I know everyone has pointed out a thousand times by now. Despite this, these scenes often overstay their welcome and revolve around really dumb story clichés, but there’s plenty of stuff going on elsewhere in case you lose interest. As others have also pointed out, it's nice to see a modern superhero movie that goes out of its way to show the hero saving civilians. I'm looking at you, Man of Steel. Unfortunately, the action scenes here are ridiculously CGI heavy to the point where they are quite literally just video game cutscenes. I half expected a QTE button prompt to pop up in one obligatory slow-motion sequence. There’s almost no tension in these fights, except for a brief sequence that I won’t spoil because it’s basically the most important plot point of the movie. I don’t know… on the one hand, I feel like this is what comic book movies should be like, with the overdone digital effects, rather than trying to do stuff practically, but on the other hand, I don’t go to the cinema to be reminded that I could be playing Metal Gear Rising. Speaking of which, go play Metal Gear Rising. It’s way more fun than this.

But the film was still pretty good. I give it three and a half Tobey faces out of five.

BioShock Infinite: Burial at Sea Review

So here we are with a two-part episodic follow up to BioShock Infinite, acting as a bridge between it and the original dystopian blockbuster from 2007. The second and final episode also acts as Irrational’s swan-song, after budgetary issues (or Ken Levine’s recent egomaniacal epiphany, depending on who you want to believe) forced the entire studio’s staff to be laid off. It’s a shame, because you can clearly see the team’s talents on full display here - I don’t think I’ve ever seen DLC with this much effort behind it… with the possible exception of the thing I couldn’t stop gushing about last month. This is BioShock 4 in everything but name and distribution method. While Irrational may be gone, I’m glad they were able to pump this out at the final hour. Now would you kindly let me explain why… oh god I just went there, didn’t I…

The first episode of Burial at Sea came out a few months ago and, frankly, wasn’t anything special. It didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ per se, but it was short and didn’t even attempt to do anything new gameplay-wise. It was interesting to revisit Rapture, exploring it at its peak, but the majority of the episode essentially served as a simple switch of settings for the regular chaotic Booker gunplay and ‘hey, I found some money’ Elizabeth sidekick woes. Playing this episode was a gentle reminder of what didn’t really work in Infinite, namely the ridiculously unfitting ultraviolence and general lack of strategy required thanks to an over-abundance of powerful combat and tear options. (No, I don’t want to play on 1999 mode.) The Rapture setting does work in the gameplay’s favour this time, though, as random decapitations don’t seem quite as out of place in the dark, derelict undersea setting compared to the bright and cheery Columbian skyline. Overall, Episode One keeps you invested thanks to the subtle callbacks to the original Infinite campaign, building to a decent cliffhanger.

Don't watch that if you haven't played the first episode yet

Episode Two, meanwhile, pretty much goes out of its way from the very start to show off. Right from the beginning its clear that things are going to get pretty crazy - you’ll want to make sure you’re well versed on the events of the original game(s) before diving in. There’s a lot of what I like to call ‘narrative museum’ sequences, whereby you’re walking around, taking in details and simply allowing the story to progress linearly… but like in regular Infinite, these sequences continue to be executed really well. 

But that’s not the real reason to be impressed with this new episode - what really stands out is the change to the core gameplay. It’s no longer about chaos and mayhem - by playing as an Elizabeth without the ability to open inter-dimensional tears, suddenly you’re vulnerable, so the game takes on a new focus of stealth rather than brute force. With the Peeping Tom plasmid, you can see enemies through walls and turn invisible, while new weapons include a crossbow that can tranquillise, unleash sleeping gas or create noisy distractions. Even though these mechanics are ultimately half-baked (don’t expect Splinter Cell, and as is often the case in stealth games the tranquilliser darts are a bit too useful) I found this approach much more fulfilling than before. There’s no regenerating shield and for the first time in a BioShock game you don’t immediately respawn when you die. No vita-chamber grinding here, folks.

The main disappointment in regards to the gameplay of both episodes is that there really isn’t much of the typical weapon upgrading or item scavenging, aside from the obligatory audio diary collectibles. It’s a necessity due to the short play times of these episodes, so if you’re mainly into BioShock because of the lite-RPG elements and not because of the narrative, you might not find as much to love here.

Clearly the focus is on story, and there’s a lot of obvious jigsaw-ing together of a whole bunch of strands to bridge the narratives of BioShock and BioShock Infinite. Considering the original game was made with no intention of involving a larger multiverse, it’s a nice surprise to find how neatly the story elements from Infinite are carried over to the familiar Rapture setting. I was worried, going in, that things were going to be a cluttered mess due to all the returning characters, but on balance, I think it worked out pretty well. If you’re a fan of Atlas, he has some particularly great moments here. The final revelation, even though you can kind of see it coming, is a convenient but undeniably smart and fan-pleasing way to draw a line under the convoluted plot. We’ve seen so many alternate versions of Booker and Elizabeth that after a while it becomes hard to care about their final fates, but this was probably the best possible way to wrap things up. I don’t doubt that BioShock will continue under the wing of a different developer, but now that we’ve ‘seen all the doors,’ it really doesn’t need to.

The Last of Us: Left Behind Review

The Last of Us’ DLC came out yesterday and I thought I’d do a review. So that it’s topical and stuff. For those who want to know what I thought of the original game, well, I wrote a paragraph on it a couple of blogs back. I liked it, basically.

I'm also going to moan about Tomb Raider a little bit. Bear with me.

So Left Behind is split into two halves, one being a prequel to The Last of Us' main story and one filling in a plot hole that wasn't much of a plot hole. The latter feels somewhat like an extended deleted scene, one that doesn’t particularly do much to further the story or the characters but does include more of The Last of Us’ signature style of action: Stealthy brutality with a general sparsity of ammo. Like in the original game, these sequences are at their best when you’re given free reign to plot your own route between each room while trying to keep your wits about you as the Clickers click-clickety-click just a few feet away. Because it’s so easy to mess up these parts the tension is always high, and Left Behind manages to contain just the right balance of these scenes to stop things feeling repetitive - that’s one fault of the original game if I had to think of any.

But it’s in the other half of this DLC that the interesting stuff happens. We meet Ellie’s friend Riley and basically spend the whole time walking around and ‘hanging out’ with her. It’s the sort of narratively heavy approach that really, really wouldn’t work if the writing and performances weren’t absolutely top-notch. Luckily, they are. There’s an element of mystery to the character of Riley that keeps things moving, but for the most part it’s just the two friends stumbling across things and hanging out together. It’s done so believably here that it’s almost a shame when we have to get back to shooting things.

I’ve been playing last year’s Tomb Raider recently, and the gulf in sophistication in the storytelling here is ridiculous. Bear in mind, Tomb Raider was praised by most reviewers as being a dark and thoughtful reimagining of gaming’s most famous video game heroine, putting character development first and foremost. I was always skeptical, however, because of how cartoonishly over the top the whole grittiness thing went. In my opinion, the mishmash of “seriousness” and fast-paced mass-murdering gameplay in Tomb Raider was almost farcical, and people seem to have also overlooked how simplistic and cliche much of the dialogue could be. “I’m here. You’re safe now.” “You saved me. I knew you would.” “I made you a promise.” Congratulations, Tomb Raider, for proving that video games have now successfully reached the level of maturity of such ‘works of art’ as The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.

Luckily Tomb Raider was still pretty fun, but there was nothing remotely clever about the characterisation of Lara. With her infinite athletic endurance in spite of the horrific graphic injuries she’d sustained over the course of the cutscenes alone, she wasn’t a believable character. So, yeah, I really don’t understand all the praise that game got for being ‘realistic’. Ellie in The Last of Us is the polar opposite of that. She talks and behaves like a real person. There are a lot of subtleties to her behaviour. Sometimes she can be annoying - but this isn’t because of bad writing, it’s because she’s behaving like any cocky tormented teenager would given the situation. Since she’s the star of this DLC and not Joel, I guess we’re going to get more of the obvious ‘hurr hurr Ellie looks like Ellen Page’ comparisons again. I think that does a bit of a discredit to the work Naughty Dog have achieved here in fleshing out the character, although there is one thing that… because of the recent news regarding… shhh!

So not everyone will like Left Behind. There’s very little ‘gameplay’ here and the pacing is slow. Personally I admire the low-key approach, it sticks out well amongst a sea of what I like to call ‘Michael Bay’ games. The overall experience is much closer to something like Telltale’s Walking Dead series (albeit with a hundred times the budget) than, say, Call of Duty. It’s over in 2 hours flat, so you might want to ask yourself whether it’s worth the asking price (if you didn’t get it in the super-reduced season pass bundle like you totally should have). As for me, I’m actually warming to the movie-like length for a product like this. I can see more and more of this sort of thing happening in the future. Look, I don’t have enough time to sink 20 hours into every new game that comes out; for a big budget, linear, story driven game in particular, it’s an awfully big ask to pad things out without resorting to cheap gameplay rehashes. BioShock Infinite’s Burial at Sea is another good example of how the shorter length can work well these days. Just get the pricing down to the point where gamers will stop moaning and we’ll all be happy. Oh, also, Sony, please don't make me download and install five billion updates when I've already downloaded the DLC. Thanks.

Fandom Schmandom

Fans are weird. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to following a few escapades in ole London this weekend. Let’s start with one of the geekiest fandoms of them all: anime. Now here’s the disclaimer: I am not, and probably never will be, an anime fan. I’ve probably seen about 2 or 3 episodes of anime in my entire life, and that’s including the Pokémon animated series. I’ve come across a few films like the weird pre-Inception dream based film Paprika, and the big hits like Ghost in the Shell, Spirited Away and My Neighbor Totoro are certainly on my to-watch list. But again, I am not an anime fan. Why do I bring this up? Well, someone decided to drag me along to the London Anime & Gaming Con today. My verdict? Well, let’s just say, the people I came across weren’t doing much to deflect the awkward anime nerd stereotype.

That’s fine. I’ve got nothing against those types of people. If you want to dress up in a tightly fitting dress wielding a polystyrene sword (with far too much attention to detail) from your favourite piece of fantasy nonsense, I’m not going to stop you. I might feel slightly weirded out, but I don’t think that can be helped. There’s something faintly terrifying about a group of cosplayers completely into their characters, running around with no shame. It reminds me of the role playing society back at my university that would run around campus in full medieval costume and act out ridiculously complicated storylines oblivious to everyone else. Well, all the power to them, I say. Just accept that most people are going to be confused and probably a little bit intimidated.

Of course not all anime fans behave like this, because if they did, the textiles industry would probably collapse in on itself. Cosplay is there for those who want it, others can silently consume anime in their own privacy, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make you any less of a ‘fan’ just because you don’t want to join in with a certain vocal community - that's what separates ‘fan’ from ‘fandom.’ Cosplayers wouldn’t run around in ultra-stylised fantasy costumes if nobody else did; it’s the very reason they feel no embarrassment, and one reason why events like LAGC are worthwhile. For the right people…

Now on to a very specific type of fandom… The Room. One of the most universally loved bad movies has spawned a whole group of dedicated fans, myself included. In between all the screenings and spoon-throwing Tommy Wiseau’s happy accident has become a cult phenomenon that continually spreads through word of mouth and sheer audience fascination. Co-star Greg Sestero’s hilarious book The Disaster Artist and its just-announced movie adaptation from James Franco would not exist if it weren't for the fans. It’s the perfect example of how much can arise from such an obscure obsession.

Tommy and Greg continue to host regular screenings all around the world. Indeed, they were in London this weekend; while I didn’t go personally this time (it was my brother's turn), I did attend a screening with them back in 2012, and I can confirm that it was every bit as mental as you could expect. I may have a photo here somewhere…

But I’ll finish by getting back to the real sticking point here - fandoms aren’t for everyone. And I think we all have a right to dislike, hate, even laugh at them to a point. They are, by their very nature, completely divisive. Sitting on the train on the way back from London today I had to put up with a bunch of intoxicated football fans and their loud, derogatory banter. I have absolutely zero interest in any sports whatsoever, so fans acting obnoxiously only serve to wind me up, or make me break down into uncontrollable laughing when it gets as ridiculous as it did. I swear, if I have to hear the ‘tangy cheese’ song again…

Anyway, the point is, if you want to belong in a fan community, go for it. You’ll have a lot of fun, and you won’t feel embarrassed doing something mental if you’re hanging out with a whole bunch of other people doing something mental. But it’s also okay if you’d rather just hang back and read a book or something. I don’t know. Fans are weird.