Blog filler time! While I continue to fail at finding adequate time to write entertaining junkets of trivialness on here, I'm going to dig out another one of my unproduced animation scripts from a couple of years back. This one actually did get started and released as a short Shoe Sandwich video, though we really didn't get very far with it.
Loosely based on the March 2012 administration crisis with British retailer GAME, this script was intended as a parody of the state of video games entering the digital distribution age. It could have been quite timely with the whole Xbox One debacle last year, but never mind. Also, Paul Christoforo is a character for some reason. If you haven't heard of him, read this article. It might just make your day.
Now, with no further adieu:
GAME OVER
It's launch day for Call of Warfare 3
INTERVIEWER
Good evening viewers! I'm reporting here live from the Gamerz midnight launch of Call of Warfare 3. This new title from Electronic Infinity Vision is set to become the highest grossing video game in history! Let's see what these guys think.
PERSON 1
Call of Warfare!! Wooo!!!!
PERSON 2
I'm so pumped man, this game's gonna change the world man, f'real man. Ugghhhh!!!!
PERSON 3
(A man is rubbing his crotch)
UGHHHHEHHHOOHH
INTERVIEWER
You're near the front, right. How are you feeling?
PERSON 4
I've been sat here for 17 hours straight, just waiting and waiting and I can't… (inaudible)
Clock strikes midnight and the doors of Gamerz open, the crowd rushes in. Paul Christoforo is at the tills
PAUL
Hey man, welcome to Gamerz. What can I do for you?
PERSON
One Ultra Hardened Legendary Elite Edition please!
PAUL
Erm, alright , what game is that?
PERSON
COW 3!
PAUL
What? Three cows?
PERSON
Call of Warfare 3!
PAUL
Oh… right, we don't sell that game here.
PERSON
What?... but the signs?
PAUL
Uhh we got Call of Warfare 2.5. We'll throw in a free strategy guide!
(strategy guide is mispelled as 'stratagy guide')
PERSON
I've been here all night man, where's my COW 3?
(Outside the shop the crowd are getting anxious)
PERSON 1
What's taking them so long?
PERSON 2
Maybe it's not midnight yet?
PERSON 3
I bet it's part of the big buildup, just you watch…
(Small awkward wait as nothing happens)
PERSON 4
Uh… guys… (looking at his phone)
(Back in the shop)
PERSON
This is just a joke!, how am I supposed to unlock perks and prestige before all my friends!? Euagghh!!!
PAUL
PERSON
You can't treat your costumers like this!
PAUL
Well, we here at Gamerz do value our customers but sometimes we get kids like you - we have to put you in the corner with your 'I'm stupid' hat on.
(Outside person 4 is reading what's on his phone)
PERSON 4
Confirmed, Gamerz is unable to sell Call of Warfare 3 due to a lack of credit insurance with the game's publisher and suppliers...
PERSON 3
What?!
(PERSONS burst in the store panicking)
PERSON 2
Is it true?!
PAUL
Is what true?
PERSON 3
Are you selling COW3 or aren't you!
PAUL
Pftt.. No of course not, we promised a launch party not a launch!
ALL THE PERSONS DELIVER LINES OF SHOCK
(Paul is kicking the crowd out of the store as a angry nerd riot starts outside)
PAUL
Oh yeah, yeah, cry bitches! I'll sell your orders on eBay!
INTERVIEW
(the man who likes to appear on the news is standing behind the reporter unfazed by the riot)
Excuse me, Mr. Christof… Mr. Christof… Damn (getting trampled by the crowd)
(Crowd is going mental like the London Riots)
PERSON 2
(Crying) Oh my god don't do this to me man, please God no man, please!
PERSON OFFSCREEN
OVER THERE!
(A delivery van is driving past, the mob chase after it and it crashes - shaky cam footage)
PERSON 4
I've got one!
Person appears having holding the game box, but the mob quickly overpower him and force the box open - the disc starts rolling down the street as the mob chase after it and rolls down the drain. Shot of the disc at the bottom of the drain buried in mud, then it cuts back to the interviewer who is watching the people try and reach into the drain. He turns to face the camera.
INTERVIEW
Another successful launch for the gaming industry. Call of Warfare 3, available from online retailers today.
Next is a montage scene showing a series of before and after stills with a fade in-between
First - the outside of the Gamerz shop, which becomes a coffee shop or hairdressers or something.
Next - a bookshelf full of games becomes a collection of hard drives.
Next - a shot of a fairly small TV with a bunch of consoles is replaced with a TV that's far too large for the room, with a hard drive plugged into it. As this last part fades we hear a voiceover:
ELECTRONIC INFINITY VISION PRESIDENT
My fellow gamers. In the past few years, we've seen the rise of digital downloads as the primary distribution method for all forms of entertainment. But there are those who refuse to accept this new medium, and continue to hold back the gaming industry. That's why from today, it will be illegal to sell or distribute boxed games in any shape or form…
Camera pulls back to reveal a screen in the middle of a dystopian police-state city, with Combine-like police officers patrolling the streets. A shifty looking ‘dealer’ is ducking around in the shadows, and steps into an abandoned warehouse. He approaches the back of a van and knocks.
DEALER
Steve? I've got the package.
STEVE
(Opens the trunk of the van) Well well well…
DEALER
My money. Where is it?
STEVE
Ah ah… Not yet. Let's see it.
Dealer hands Steve a package. Steve opens it, revealing a game box (Call of Warfare 17 or something) He examines the box cover and smirks excitedly. He rips the box open and sniffs the inside as if it's a drug.
STEVE
Awww yeah… That is some good shit. What do you think boss?
(He tosses the box to a guy behind him who also sniffs the inside.)
BOSS
Disc, check, new game smell, check, no eco-friendly holes, uh-huh, full colour manual! Haven’t seen one of them in eons… no notes section, busy day?
DEALER
Nobody ever gave a toss about the notes section.
STEVE
Hm, funny guy.
BOSS
Anyway, it'll do. Come over here.
(They lead him inside the van)
DEALER
It wasn't easy getting the right thickness of plastic, I'm telling you, the next time I…
STEVE
(draws a gun) FREEZE! THIS IS A RUSE!
DEALER
Oh god dammit!
BOSS
You didn't just think you could get away with disobeying the state like this, did you bub? See the sorts of tactics you dealers have forced us to employ. It's shameful. Cuff him, Steve.
DEALER
What you're doing isn't fair. What are collectors supposed to do now?
BOSS
Digital distribution allows for freedom of expression, innovation, getting away from the system.
DEALER
You people became the system! Seriously, when was the last time you played a game that wasn't a sequel?
STEVE
He's got a point there, Boss.
BOSS
Shut it! Look, sonny, like it or not, this is the way the world works now. Let's take this guy to the station.
DEALER
No…
STEVE
What was that?
DEALER
No!!!!
(Dealer grabs the game box and makes a run for it. He doesn't get very far.)
BOSS
Take him out.
(Dealer is shot and falls to the floor with the game case falling to the ground and breaking. Blood leaks into the game case and over to the same drain as before, where the original Call of Warfare 3 disc has become buried in the dirt and is being worshipped by insects.)
