All right, now here’s a script I wrote for an unproduced audio sketch back in 2012. I’ve sat on the script for a while, rewritten it a couple times and think it’s probably finally time to show it… It’s an interrogation scene with a twist. A rather obvious twist. Bold lines are the interrogator, non-bold lines are the suspect.
THE BOX INTERROGATION
BY TOM CHESHIRE
Bring the suspect in.
Woah… Where am I? What the hell is this place? Ah… Who's that? Hello?
Good afternoon.
You’re gonna have to tell me sooner or later, what am I doing here?
I think we both know what you're doing here…
I don't know what you're talking about… I was just sitting, minding my own business and then you guys… picked me up and threw me in the back of a van. Do you even know what I'm made of?
You're a suspect in the murder of a certain Patrick Stockwell.
The murder… Oh… oh god, my god… he's dead?
Did you know him?
Yeah, I knew Packie. We were close, once. Used to see him all the time, till the day he had to move away. Shame… How did he die?
Started out as just a normal day at the factory. One minute everything’s fine, the next he’s flat on the floor. Something crushed him. He died instantly…
And… you, you think I did this? Seriously? How?
That's what I'm here to find out. If you'll open up to me, I'll make this nice and easy for you…
I didn't crush him! I didn't!
You're a sharp little bugger aren't you…
I'm so tired… please… can’t you just let me go?
Not until you promise to be straight with me.
Straight? I'm always straight…
Then open up! I can't let you leave until you give me your side of the story...
You want my side? You can have it…
What were you doing at 5pm last Tuesday?
I was just sitting over there, on the corner the whole time.
On the corner?
Yeah.
Doing what exactly?
You know, just sitting, waiting. Waiting for a delivery, I think? I was gonna get myself topped up on a few supplies…
What kind of supplies?
Typical household stuff, food, you know, I was feeling pretty empty that day.
You’re full to the brim now aren't you…
I may have put on a bit of weight, yes. What's your problem?
Don’t be such a square. It looks like you're hiding something. I have reason to suspect you were involved in a certain drug smuggling scandal, too, but I’m willing to let that slide if you just tell me the truth… Did you kill Patrick?
I wasn’t even there!
How do you explain this image, taken at the scene of the crime?
Wha… But, I mean, how's that supposed to prove anything?
I assure you our analysis was thorough, we've come to a conclusion that it's you. We've got a perfect match from every angle.
You… you've got me mistaken for some other…
You really expect me to believe you? This evidence could tear you down…
Listen, I didn't do it. I ain’t guilty of nothing. Don't I get power of attorney in any of this?
Looks like you've got the power of three… three different attorneys.
I have rights you know, and right angles… to come at this from. I'm innocent!
Sigh, looks like I'm gonna have to resort to some… edgier... off the record methods…
Hey, what? What do you mean, edgier? Huh? What are you doing? Don’t touch my sides, I’m very fragile!
You're sides are gonna be the least of your problems by the time I'm finished with you. Let's see what you're really made of...
Stop cornering me! What are you going to do? Give me splinters?
You think it's funny don't you? You think you can just fold yourself all over this goddamn society without us noticing?
Ahhhh! Help! Please don’t tear me apart! Sob… Look at me, I'm in pieces!
I… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Pull yourself together… I just want some answers.
Hahaha… You can’t prove anything.
You two-faced son of a bitch. We’ve got it all on tape. We know it was you.
Hey, I ain't no two-faced son of a bitch, look at me. What am I?
You’re a common criminal.
All right, I’ll level with you. I did it. I murdered Packie. Big deal. The one thing, I swear, the one thing I can’t stand being called… is two faced. Look at me! This way up!
What?
Don’t act like you don’t know. Look at me. What am I?
You’re a murderer.
I'M A CARDBOARD BOX…
Yeah… Obviously. That’s why we call it a box interrogation. Chief, take him away…
I’m a SIX faced son of a bitch. Get it right next time.
END
(Trivia time: Inspired by a pointless wallpaper made by my friend Ryan, along with a bunch of comments I posted to it under the name tank2tank)
